Get Out of the Driver's Seat!

It looks like my last post was in April. Oh my! A lot has happened since then. I had a great 29th birthday and got to spend it with so many of the people I love. Jason surprised me and invited several people to dinner, and over 20 of my close friends and family showed up. I'm blessed.

May was an exciting month for us. The moment we had anxiously been awaiting finally happened, and we found out we were going to have a baby. I got my first POSITIVE pregnancy test on May 23rd -my daddy's birthday. We were so excited. I had actually planned to go to Logan that evening, but I cancelled that trip b/c I couldn't leave town without telling Jason the news after he got off work. I couldn't tell him over the phone. I had set up a scavenger hunt all around our house with rhyming clues -one leading to the next, etc. The last clue told him the big news. It was a perfect moment for the both of us. We went to Logan the next day for my oldest niece's graduation, so we told my family. We went on a motorcycle benefit ride the very next day with Jason's parents, so we told them then. We could not help but to share the news b/c we were too excited.

I had gotten a blood test which was positive, but the beta number was really low (Hcg 14). We weren't telling others yet because were were being cautious. I took another home pregnancy test a few days later, and it was NEGATIVE. We were devastated. I called the doctor, and they told me to go get another blood test (Hcg 7). We just knew it was a chemical pregnancy. I had a period (sorry if this is TMI for you), so we just knew it was the end. The doctor told me to get another blood test in a week to make sure my numbers go back down to normal. I repeated the blood test as ordered, and I didn't even call that day for the results -I just knew it would be negative. The nurse called me the next day and told me congratulations -it was POSITIVE (Hcg 100). ????? I was so confused. My first thought was that it was ectopic (in my fallopian tube) and that it wasn't viable. I went and repeated blood test (Hcg 168) and had an ultrasound. We didn't see anything on the ultrasound, but the doc said it was still too early. I repeated blood test again, and it went up to Hcg 511. My ob/gyn told me congrats and that it looked good, so they went ahead and scheduled my 10-week appointment. The doc told me that most likely what had happened was that I had started with two embryos (twins) and had lost one, and the second one had implanted later than the first. We knew it was still early, but we were very hopeful and decided to tell everyone about the pregnancy. It was a happy, perfect moment.

Knowing that we were going out of the country for a week for vacation, I went ahead and called my fertility specialist in Lexington and asked if I could come in for an earlier ultrasound just to make sure everything looked okay. We went in for the ultrasound on June 17th at 7.5 weeks. That's where we got the devastating news that the pregnancy is not viable... it was ectopic. My Hcg levels were still rising but not normally (Hcg 1736). The doctor had to give me a shot of methotrexate (which is a small dose of chemotherapy) to force a miscarriage. This was the complete opposite of a perfect moment for us. It's something I don't even know how to begin to describe. Horror, maybe. The doc told me that I should not leave the country (which was going to be 2 days later), but I was very stubborn and went on vacation anyway. I did follow doc's orders to get blood tests on days 4 & 7 after the shot. The hospital in Jamaica is very sad and an experience, to say the least. My Hcg levels needed to drop at least 15% from day 4 (Hcg 1629) to 7 (Hcg 1466), which they did not. I had to go back to Lexington the day after we got back and had another injection of methotrexate. Since then, it has been a waiting game and repeated blood work every week. I can’t imagine that going through a miscarriage is ever easy, for anyone, ever. For me… knowing that I was going to have a miscarriage… and waiting for it to happen has been the worst part. No matter how much you try, you cannot prepare yourself for it. Well, it finally happened at 10.5 weeks. I’m still repeating the blood test every week, waiting for my Hcg levels to drop back down to <5. I'm almost there.

This has been a physical and emotional rollercoaster, and I am ready to move on. I’m realizing more and more each day how strong I can be, even when I feel weak. I am choosing to blog about this whole experience, once again, because I will read this back someday and be reminded of exactly how far I have come.

We have to wait at least 3 months from the date of my last shot before we can TRY AGAIN, so we are taking a break from the whole baby making business, lol. After everything we have been through, this break will be good for us. I am not a mother yet, but I am still a wife. I am focusing on that. Jason and I have been spending a lot of time together, enjoying one another. I feel closer to him than ever, and I am blessed to have him by my side. We are having a fun summer so far.

Vacation was everything I needed it to be. I got to spend an entire week with three of the people I love the most –my husband, dad, and sister. I wasn’t allowed to drink alcohol (which totally sucks when you’re staying at al ALL-inclusive resort), but I still had a really great time. We climbed the Dunn’s River Falls and took a catamaran cruise to Margaritaville (I did sneak a few sips). I was able to completely relax, enjoyed the sunshine and gorgeous scenery, great food and entertainment, and even better company. We got to go snorkeling, and we sprinkled some of Mom's ashes in the ocean and sand. We all had such an amazing time in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Yeah, mon!

Jason and I have also joined a new gym and are doing CrossFit training. It is hardcore, but hell, so are we! ;) I get more out of a 30 minute workout there than I was getting in an hour and a half on my own. It’s nice to have trainers pushing you, others supporting you, and motivation driving you. I love that it’s competitive, but you compete with yourself. How fun!

Other Summer events:

* we bought a Harley!

* 2nd annual block party was a complete success! This year's theme: Luau!

* Spent the 4th of July with the Zimmermans & then Beev's party

* My best friend Kayla's beautiful daughter, Delaney, turned 3!

I’m in a better mindset these past few weeks, and I’m trying to regain my positive outlook on life. I’ve prayed a lot even though, quite frankly, I’ve been angry with God. I couldn’t grasp why he would give us something we've been wanting so badly and then immediately take it away. Whatever His reasoning is, I did not want to accept it. I had a tough time dealing with the heartbreak. For a period, anything anyone said to me was always the “wrong” thing to say. Haha, quite ridiculous, I know. Crazy pregnancy hormones played a huge part in all of this, I’m sure. LOL! I just needed to grieve, and I did. I’m moving on now. Things happen in life that we may not understand, but we have to move past it and accept the reality. Yes, it will happen when it is supposed to. Yes, it is in God’s hands. Yes, everything happens for a reason. I just need to get out of the driver’s seat.

BEEP BEEP!

“My anchor holds in spite of the storm.”