"Yesterday's Tomorrow"

I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately... and in a positive light. I still miss her dearly, but I am remembering how much better off she is now. She is flying high!

I'm sharing the poem that I wrote for a college English class I took the semester before my mom died in 2005. The final assignment was a choice between a few options, but I chose to write a poem. I chose to write something from my mother's perspective. I had to incorporate "nature" in some way, so I tried to do that as well. I sat and talked with my mom for a couple of hours, listening to her tell stories about her childhood and family. She talked about life and death, her fears, her pain, and what she had to look forward to. I made notes of things I had remembered my mom saying or doing in the past. This poem has a lot of references that some may not grasp, but it all has meaning. My mother's last few years were very dark. She spent a lot of time locked down to a single room, and she became very lonely. All of us were around, but we were busy living our lives. She had to depend on friends and family for EVERYTHING. She was in a dark place. BUT -at the end of the day, she always had hope.

Reading this again today reminded me of how short life is. It reminded me of how strong my mother was -and how strong she made me. Because of her, there is nothing I cannot do. There is nothing I cannot handle. I have my own Angel. <3

I remember reading this to her. As tears ran down her face, and she looked up at me and said, "You get it. Thank you."

I am proud to admit that I got nothing less than a 100% on this assignment. :)

Yesterday’s Tomorrow

It wasn’t always like this, These long days of silence and loneliness. Trapped in this room with nowhere to go, It’s not like there’s anywhere I need to be though. Standing at a fork in the road, I once made a choice, And somewhere along the way, I must have lost my voice.

This life I once had is no longer my own, And what Life I have left has already grown. Somewhere along the path things got turned around, I’ve become a child that’s been broken and bound. All I have left is my thoughts throughout the day, Of what is to come -to my dismay.

Like the mountains that surround me, I’ve tried to be strong, But I’ve learned the hard way that my strength won’t last that long. No one could ever understand what it’s like hidden behind these woods. Of course, I’d never let them, even if I could. Sometimes I pray that the rain will go away, For a break in the trees, signs of a sunny day.

But I know that day will never come Because I’ve already had my day in the sun. Oh, to be free again, not trapped in this shell, I fear no way of dying, for I’m already in Hell. But my mind is still living –in the past, Wishing to be free at last.

So many memories going through my head, Often times I wonder how many memories are dead. Is it because they didn’t much matter, or is it a matter still That some are just too painful to remember them at will? So I leave them scattered on the ground, Like fresh fall leaves plummeting to the ground.

I feel the call of the wild running through my veins, To be one with nature, with the storms and the rains. I want to go back to my childhood home, Where once again I can feel free to roam. Feel the wind in my hair, the sun on my face And hear the sounds of birds singing with such grace.

Sometimes I can almost hear them again, Like the memory is carried in the wind. I know for sure that’s how angels sound, I’ll hear them one day when I’m scattered on the ground But that journey isn’t as fast as I would plan, No one offers to help me to that fantasy land.

I know when I get there it won’t be this way, I’ll step into the light again and have my sunny day. Until then I’m stranded in a raging river of despair, Trying to keep my head above water and gasping for air. It would be so much easier just to float away And not have to count down to the end of my days.

Now I’m lost in this valley of precious little dolls, I turn to them to end the closing of these walls. But wait, there’s more, it can’t end here. They won’t let me die –my worst fear. Why won’t they let me go, let me be free? Then I would be broken from all this misery.

Instead of Death, Life has given me this, A coveted agonizing kiss. I know this is how I would always be, Pushed down so low that no one could ever see me. I would even settle for a little respect, But the only thing I receive is neglect.

I cry out so loud it shakes this empty house, But from this room my voice never seems to get out. Do they ignore me, or can they simply not hear? All I really want is someone near. No one wants to stay too long, I’m such a burdening sight. Like birds that fly in the cold –when it’s time, they take flight.

It doesn’t hurt much anymore, my senses have become immune. It’s almost like my body knows it will be shutting down soon. It would do me no good to sit here and beg or plea, I take it for the fault is my own –no one to blame but me. At least that’s what they tell me these days, My pain comes from my own stupid ways.

But they couldn’t bear the pain that I feel, for even a second of the day. For all the things I neglected to care for, I now have to pay. Oh, how I wish I could turn back the hands of time And tell myself to push through, try to change my mind. I wish I knew then what I know now, I know things would be better somehow.

I wouldn’t be trapped in my own fears, Wishing for soft melodies to drown out my tears. Yet I sit here in darkness as the world passes me by, With a feeling of guilt each time that I cry. I try to look toward a day that will drown out my sorrows. But for me, today is just yesterday’s tomorrow.

What have I done to deserve all of this? Was there a sign in life that I chose to miss? Now it seems that there’s no hope for me, From this bondage I will never be set free. I look ahead, but all I can see - Imagination is what my future will be.

I imagine my family’s lives without me And erase my name from the family tree. I never wanted to be a mother That had to depend on every other. Being told, “You’ll never walk again” was the lowest point in my life, For now I am unable to be the ideal mother and wife.

There are many things I miss as a mother. These memories all come back to me -one time or another. I miss the goodnight hug and kiss, So many things I really do miss The pictures my kids drew for me during school And them saying, “You’re too old to be cool!”

Praying with them each night before bed, And the kisses they printed all over my head, But now that they’re grown up and all, I settle for their sweet little faces on the wall. The pictures are locked tight in a frame, And I smile each when someone mentions their names.

These memories have kept me alive, when I’ve started to fade away. Now my hopes and prayers are to live, at least until their wedding day, But this may only be another dream, I’m afraid, to hear them say “I do”. I hope to help them find happiness before my life is through. But if not, I only hope that from my mistakes they learn And grow to be what I am not, which has always been my concern.

I don’t even know who I am anymore, or maybe I just choose to hide From the Life it seems I’ve already lost and the feelings deep inside. I’m tired of not wanting to feel anymore, It seems that I have been here before. I don’t know how much more I can take, So tell me, God, why me for Heaven’s sake?

I sit here in loneliness each day as hunger fills my soul, But not for a donut or chocolate treat, just a kind word to make me whole. Why should I let the light shine through to pierce this heart once again? To break down the wall I’ve long since built –of leather toughened skin. My friend, Light hasn’t visited me in quite a long while. He used to show up and make me smile.

Now the only visitor I get is my dear friend, Sleep. He’s one that I seem to turn to when I no longer want to weep. Each knock on the door was once a wish, But now I hold my breath, For the fear that my next visitor will be The one and only, Death.

Is Death really as scary as he seems, Or is he like I vision him in my dreams? Does he live in that beautiful place of milk and honey? Where the sky is blue and the days are always sunny? I guess that gives me something to look toward as my days slowly pass, And maybe there’s a little hope in my heart –to finally be free at last.

(This was the initial end of the poem. I added the following after she passed.)

___________________________________

Well, I guess my day has finally come, And my journey begins of many days in the sun. I’m sitting here at Jesus’ feet. “Eternal life,” he says, oh it sounds so sweet. Friends and loved ones do not weep for me, From those prison walls I have been set free.

I know that house will never be the same, And some of you may not remember my name. But for those of you who cannot sleep, I tell you now, you must not weep. For I have seen the Lord Jesus’ face, And the pain that I suffered has all been erased.

If you could only see me now, in this sweet Beulah Land, I’m finally walking the streets of gold, holding my mother and father’s hands. Know, my love, I will always be with you, and we will meet again one day. Until then you must live your lives knowing that I’m not far away. Remember that I am no longer living with such pain or such sorrow, And see that it is okay to live in yesterday’s tomorrow.

*In Loving Memory of my brave and dear mother –Arnetta Faye Stillwell Born: February 26, 1953 and went to be with the Lord on June 28, 2005. I miss you, Mommy. I love you most!

(Sorry for the jumbled lines... I couldn't get the blog to post the poem in the format I have it on my computer.)