"Baby" Steps

Where to even start? Hmmmm....

Well, our journey continues with the hope of parenthood. A lot has happened over the past few weeks, but I will do my best to remain positive. Here's the low-down:

I drove to my doctor's appointment in Louisville with my mother-in-law last Thursday (I'm making Jason save his time off for the more important appointments since I figured this was only a consult). Let's rewind to my last office visit: I had asked my ob/gyn to refer me to a fertility specialist, so she referred me to a specific guy in Louisville whom ob/gyn talked highly of. When I got to the appointment, it turns out that the doctor was not a fertility specialist but a surgeon. He was not able to help me. He was nice enough to check with one of the REs (reproductive endocrinologist) in the clinic to see if he could fit me in since I had driven 3 hours there. The doctor was able to see me, but he was obviously caught off guard since I was not on his schedule for the day. He did not have time to review my chart, medical records, test results, etc. before talking to me; therefore, the quick consult that we had was a bit overwhelming. I gave the specialist a quick version of my story & the treatments I've already completed, and when I explained the meds/cycle days/method of treatment.... he informed me that one of the medications my ob/gyn had me taking was too high of a dosage.... and another one I've been on for the past 7 months has actually prevented me from becoming pregnant. UGH. I was starting progesterone the day after a positive ovulation predictor test for the previous 7 cycles, under ob/gyn's order, which was too soon. The specialist told me that I should have been taking the clomid without the progesterone and with a lower dosage of estrogen. I had a lot of questions before going there, and I left with most of them unanswered. This doctor was very nice, and I believed what he was saying. However, I did not feel at ease after a 10-15 min. conversation with a doctor who had not seen any of my medical history. I tried calling a fertility specialist at Cabell Huntington Hospital, but the soonest they could fit me in would have been July 16th. I really did not want to wait that long. I had already waited over a month to get in to see the doctor at Louisville. I got a recommendation from a coworker on Monday to see a specialist in Lexington, so I called. Talk about good timing -they had just gotten a cancellation, so they were able to fit me in to see Dr. Akin the very next day.

Now to talk about weird timing, my ob/gyn actually left the hospital about a week and a half ago. I won't go into details about that, but I have been in the process of finding a new doctor and chose to stay with one at KDMC. I have an appointment to see Dr. Dotson in two weeks, and it turns out that Dr. Akin knows him and said that I made a really good choice. Again, I went off of a recommendation from that same coworker who has also dealt with infertility. My appointment yesterday with Dr. Akin went very well. He reviewed my medical records in detail. He told me that according to my test results, I had never tested low for progesterone and didn't need to be taking it. He said that starting progesterone less than 3 days past a positive ovulation test will act as birth control. I won't explain how all of that works, but let's just say that I've been a little angry about the situation. I won't go into detail about how much money the progesterone alone has cost me (not counting all other expenses up until now) because none of that matters now, but I've been quite frustrated since finding all of this out. What hurts the most is knowing that the past several months of unnecessary stress and devastation could have been different. Oh, the what IFs...... I won't beat myself up too much over this because we all trust and listen to our doctors. I just wish I would have moved on to a fertility specialist a lot sooner than now. I know, I know... everything happens for a reason. There's a time and a place for everything. You can't change the past. Have no regrets. Yada yada.

My big sister rode to Lexington with me yesterday to see Dr. Akin. He gave me a few options and explained all of them to me very well. He has a 75% success rate with IVF, but there are cheaper and less invasive options for us right now without jumping straight into that option. He suggested that I try the clomid for a couple of months without the estradiol or progesterone. I won't need to come in for the ultrasound for monitoring, and I don't need to continue doing the ovulation predictor tests. I can, however, come in for a blood test to see if ovulation actually occurred. If not, he will know to up the dosage of clomid the next cycle. If that doesn't work, we can add the HCG trigger shot and IUI (intrauterine insemination). He said he is willing to do that at any time if we decide to go ahead and go that route. My only concern with continuing on the clomid is the research showing a correlation between extended use of climid and increased risk of ovarian cancer. That's a little scary to me. I've already been on it for 7 months and would be starting my 8th. Prayer is all I can depend on. At least now we have options!

Less medications, less steps, less counting -that would be a good start for reducing my stress level.

A week in Jamaica!!!!! -now that will also add some joy. June 19th needs to hurry up and get here, so we can take our much needed vacation!

Funny story: I got a flat tire while driving home after the appointment. I pulled off of the road, and Mary Ann was going to change the tire in a dress. Hah! I had my camera ready! We opened the trunk to find that we had no spare tire, car jack, or lug wrench. I called Jason, and he said to try to make it to the nearest gas station and put air in it. Well, we drove about 2 miles (with 2 more miles to go) and the tire blew out! A guy stopped and offered to give us his spare tire if it fit the car, but neither of us had a wrench, lol. We called AllState roadside service (Mary Ann has it), and they were willing to tow us to a tire shop to buy a new tire. However, it was after 6:30 and the closest tire shops were closed. We figured it would be just as fast if Jason just packed up the stuff and drove to meet us. We were an hour from Ashland. :) It was nice getting to spend that extra time with my sister, though. We talked, laughed, and had a great time. I needed that. Time to invest in some AAA. LOL!

On a more serious note: I realize that I have been a lot for some people to handle lately, and maybe I have been a little too emotional or borderline crazy. However, I can only be ME. That's all I know how to do. I can't control heartbreak. I can't control when I am upset. I have given a lot in life, and right now I am allowing myself to take. I understand that I am not the only one going through a tough time and that everyone has their own personal struggles. I have always been willing to listen and feel that I have tried my best to be there for everyone else when he or she needed me. I just need to feel that it is okay for me to think about me right now without feeling guilty about it. ... without worrying that I may be pushing people away or getting on their nerves. It's times like these when I need my friends and family the most. I have focused all of my time and energy on my health and infertility lately instead of focusing on my friendships and my marriage. I'm lucky that friends and family, and especially my loving husband, have stuck by me throughout this whole ordeal. All I ask from anyone is that you try to understand that I've been going through a rough patch and do not judge me for it. Please don't take it personally if you have seen me lately, and I didn't immediately ask you how your day went or how you are doing. It's not that I don't care; I've just had a lot on my mind. We can all be self-absorbed at times, and I am no exception. I am blessed to have wonderful people in my life, and I hope you know how much I care for you all. I don't want sympathy, and I don't want people to walk on egg shells around me. All I ask for is a little patience and understanding. My husband deserves an award; he has mastered both of these! :)

I may be going through a difficult time, but I am still ME. I may be taking baby steps, but at least I'm moving forward.....

"Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs" -Henry Ford