Music To My Ears

So this is what it feels like when a dream becomes reality.?.?.? We are beyond blessed!

We waited to tell most of our friends about the pregnancy until after we saw an ultrasound and knew everything was okay and that the baby was in the right spot this time. We anticipated our doctor's visit, which was scheduled for January 3rd with Dr. Akin in Lexington. We got up bright and early and barely slept the night before. Our appointment was at 10:15, but it was snowing so we left around 7:30. Our last ultrasound experience there was difficult for the both of us, so we were nervous and a little cautious. I prayed a lot.

Dr. Akin began to do the ultrasound, and as soon as he said, "There's the heartbeat right there" (touching this tiny little spot on the screen). We were able to see the baby safe and in the right spot with a flickering heartbeat. Of course, I cried my eyes out. I have never felt such relief in my life. Oh, and Jason and I were also relieved to see that we only had one baby instead of two! :) The baby was measuring at 6 weeks and 5 days and was perfectly healthy. We told some of our close friends that day, but we didn't ready to publicly announce it yet.

We went back for another visit with Dr. Akin on January 17th at 10:45. Once again, we got up early and drove to Lexington that morning -only this time with more anxiousness than fear. We knew this was going to be a day that would change our lives forever. Well, we had no idea. When Dr. Akin turned on that ultrasound machine, and we saw our tiny little baby moving around, I felt a sense of happiness and peace I've never experienced before. Then, Dr. Akin turned on the monitor, and we heard the most joyful sound we have ever heard. That heartbeat was music to my ears!!!! I cried many happy tears, and that is a moment I will never forget. I will never forget the excitement in Jason's voice and the huge smile on his face. I will never forget him dancing around that room like a kid at the carnival. Baby Rooper had a strong heart rate of 179 and was measuring at 8 weeks and 4 days. This is all so surreal for us, and we are blessed excited to be able to share our success story with the world. This is going to be one loved baby!

At that point, Dr. Akin released us from his care at the fertility clinic into the hands of my OB/GYN here in Ashland. I cannot express how grateful I am to have found such a wonderful specialist and team of nurses who helped us through all of this. They gave us hope. They gave us our miracle. They gave us life.

I had already scheduled my initial OB appointment with Dr. Dotson at KDMC weeks ago, so I got to see him on January 22nd. Jason and his mother came with me. I was fortunate enough to have another ultrasound during this visit. Baby Rooper still had a strong heart rate of 174 and was measuring at 9 weeks and 4 days. My mother-in-law smiled from ear to ear, and I could tell she really appreciated getting to experience this with us. I won't go back to the doctor until February 19th, but all looks good at this point. Our baby is healthy and growing. I'm taking good care of myself and being as cautious as I can be.

Here are our announcement pictures as well as the chalkboard pregnancy updates I've started. I stole the idea from Pinterest. :)

I'll continue to update as my belly grows!

Mommy + Daddy + Science = BABY!

“Sometimes you need to hang on to someone else’s hope… someone else’s peace and sanity, while yours is under siege. Strength, peace, courage, and faith –they all come and go when we face trials. Borrow some else’s light until your light can shine brightly once again.”

I honestly do not know what I would do without my friends and family. I have been overwhelmed with the amount of love and support I've felt over the past several months. I would not be where I am today if it weren't for the people who carried me.

First of all, I want to talk about Kayla Boggs. This girl has been my best friend since early high school, and I truly believe there is not a stronger bond than the one we have. Through all of my infertility, stress and tears, Kayla has been there for me. I cannot begin to express the amount of love I have for that girl. She has slapped sense into me when I needed it, let me cry on her shoulder when I needed it, and most of all told me exactly what I needed to hear the entire time. I am in tears as I type this because I can't thank her enough for the love and loyalty she has shown me. She has proven that time and time again. Kayla has put her and her family's lives on hold because of me. Of course, I would have NEVER asked her to do this. I could not be so selfish. Kayla and her husband have a 3 and a half year old little girl, and he had been pushing for them to have another baby for a long time now. She kept putting it off. She had been refusing to try again until Jason and I were successful in conceiving first. She couldn't bare to "do that to me". I love Delaney (their gorgeous daughter) so very much, and I would have loved any new baby the same, if they had one. I could never be upset with her, ever. I could never expect any of my friends to put their lives on hold because of me, and Kayla is no exception in that. However, Kayla is an EXCEPTIONAL friend. I just have to acknowledge how blessed I am to have her by my side and to experience this journey with her.

Kayla took the day off of work and went with me to Lexington on November 27th for my ultrasound. The scan showed 2 mature follicles on my left ovary, and one smaller follicle on my right. We figured since the two on the left were a lot more dominant, my chance of conceiving multiples only looked like the possibility of twins. I was willing to take that risk. The doctor gave me a prescription for Ovidrel, an hcg shot to trigger ovulation. Jason gave me the shot that Saturday evening (instructions were to give the shot between 4-8pm, so he shot me in the arm around 5pm). He seemed to have WAY TOO MUCH fun doing that, by the way, LOL. Based on the ultrasound, the doctor was able to predict my ovulation date for Monday, December 2nd. Therefore, Jason and I went back to Lexington that morning for the IUI (intrauterine insemination). It was quite a simple procedure -much quicker than I had anticipated -so we were happy about that. At that point, we just wait.

Luckily, I had a vacation scheduled with my dad. I left that Friday, December 6th for a week in Florida. We stayed at my dad's timeshare in Orlando but traveled around. We visited Braydenton and found my mom's old home she grew up in. We sprinkled her ashes there, the local park where she played, and in front of my papaw's old shoe repair shop that my mother worked at. Well, it's now an attorney's office, but she had great memories in that building. Dad and I also traveled to Clearwater Beach, St. Augustine, and Jacksonville. I got to meet up with some friends from down there, which was pleasant. We spent two days at Universal Studios which was a blast. I didn't ride a single rollercoaster or any jerky rides just for the fear of affecting the likelihood of the IUI working. I was very careful all week. I limited my caffeine intake to next-to-none, drank TONS of water, ate fresh pineapple core and pomegranates (look it up lol), walked a lot, prayed a lot, and relaxed. Toward the end of the week there in Florida, I started to notice these dark blue veins on my hips and chest/shoulders. I researched it and asked the women in my fertility group, and they all said they got that when they were pregnant -that it's an early sign of pregnancy. My wheels started turning. :) I didn't have a pregnancy test with me, so I didn't take one -even though I so desperately wanted to. Sorry if some of you think I'm sharing too much, but I'm telling ya -these dark blue veins gave me HOPE for the first time in a long while! :)

I flew back home on December 13th. My dad was staying in town for the weekend because Jason's college graduation was that Saturday. I took a pregnancy test when I got home and got a faint positive. BFP! Big. Fat. Positive! I told Jason in secret, but we were both still very skeptical and didn't say anything.

So, what's a girl to do but keep testing!?!? I believe I took a total of 14 at-home pregnancy tests. I kept testing to make sure that line got darker and didn't disappear (like last time). Don't judge me. It was the only reassurance I had. :)

I went on Monday, December 16th for my first blood test. It was POSITIVE with an hcg level of 101. I was around 4 weeks then. I went back on Wednesday, December 18th for a second blood test (knowing the level needed to have doubled), and my hcg level was 241. It more than doubled. I took an at-home test every other day to make sure everything still looked okay, then I went back on Monday, December 23rd for one last blood test. My hcg level was 1,648. I called my doctor, and the nurse said this was a fabulous number for being 5 weeks PREGNANT! This was such a relief for us, and that's when we began to get excited.

We decided to tell our families since it was Christmas, and we were going to be spending the holidays with them. We went to Jason's parents' house on Christmas eve. After dinner, we all sat down to a game of Catch Phrase. Jason and I had rehearsed this, of course, so that we would reveal our news during the game. It was Jason's turn to describe a word, so he began by saying, "Ok, this is something that starts off really small but can grow into something big". I shouted out guesses: "A business. A tree." Jason: "No. This is something that you see everywhere". Me: "Cars. Starbucks!" Jason: "No. It's something we've wanted for a really long time. It sleeps a lot. There's one in your belly right now" (pointing to my belly). Me: "A BABY!!!!!" Jason: "Yes!" (as he passes the Catch Phrase game on to his stepdad, Roy). Roy proceeds to begin describing the next word (hahahaha), and his mom says, "Wait. What? Does this mean........?" and I say, "Yes. We are pregnant". It was absolutely priceless! I actually thought I was videotaping this whole thing but screwed up and had pushed the wrong button instead of record. I was mad at myself for that, but their reactions were priceless. Jason's brother and his wife were there to share in the experience too.

We wanted to use this same reveal for my family as well, but I figured the chance of getting everyone to sit down at the same time for a game was slim. I was right, lol. We went to my sister's Christmas eve night, and she had asked me about the IUI and if I had found anything out. I just put my head down and told her I didn't wanna talk about it. It's very hard keeping a secret from my sister. Very hard. We went to my aunt Jeanetta's on Christmas day. After dinner, everyone opened gifts. I had wrapped a special one for Jenn to open after everyone else was finished. I made sure to stand up and make a big spectacle of this gift so that everyone was paying attention to her when she opened it. I told her that it's something she has wanted for a really long time, and she may not remember even asking for it. I told her not to tell us it's too much because she is totally worth it. That got everyone's attention for sure. Jenn opened the box and found a baby bib inside that said, "My Aunt Loves Me" on it. She started to cry happy tears, of course, and so did Jeanetta. My dad had the biggest grin on his face, and I'll never forget this experience. I luckily did get this on video camera and hope to post it soon. Our families are so wonderful!

So it's not always the case that an IUI works on the first try. It doesn't work for everyone. We are beyond blessed that it did, indeed, work for us this time and that we didn't have to go through with IVF which is a much more intense and draining process. And hey, on the bright side... when our child comes to us for the "birds and the bees" story... we can get out a turkey baster and say that's pretty much the tool you need. HAH!

Also, everyone told me that things happen for a reason. Once again, I already knew this but didn't wanna hear it when I was struggling to deal with my own emotions. However, this is my time to appreciate those comments. I had told Kayla back in October how much I appreciated her putting her baby-making on hold for me but that it was not fair to her or Wes to continue to do so. I wanted them to go ahead and try for a baby, no matter how stubborn Kayla was trying to be. Well, Kayla is pregnant. Baby Boggs is due approximately 3 weeks before Baby Rooper. We get to experience this together, and our babies get to grow up together. How incredible is that!?!? This was meant to be. I believe it. <3

Jason is officially now a graduate of Marshall University and is working full-time at Atlantic Plant Services (APS) at Marathon. All of that hard work and dedication has paid off, and I am so very proud of him. He works hard for our family. He is an amazing husband, and I cannot wait to see him as a father. This warms my heart.

We are happy. We are excited. We are extremely blessed.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

"It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and hope"

So our story of trying to conceive is still being written. Our three month "break" was actually helpful and pleasant. I was initially very upset that we were forced to wait another 3+ months before our dream of becoming parents could finally come true. However, I'm glad it happened. That allowed us both to enjoy our marriage again without the added stress and worry/heartbreak each month. I was able to get back into shape at the gym, and we filled our time with fun events and simply enjoyed our time together. Jason and I have such a fun life. We are now ready to share this life, and we are hoping this happens very soon.

We have been trying to conceive again for the past three months, but we haven't had any luck. The end of December will be two years since I stopped taking birth control and started hoping for our family to grow. We didn't "actively" start trying right away, but we started planning for it. Two years is a lot of time to hope and dream. I am so ready for this dream to come true and for my rainbow to come smiling through. Every negative pregnancy test takes me back a couple of steps -just when I start to feel like I am moving forward.

So, we've decided to actively take another step forward. I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for next Wednesday. They will do an ultrasound that day to measure my follicles (I will still take Clomid 100mg on cycle days 3-7). They will be able to predict what day I will ovulate, based on the ultrasound, and we will go back that day for IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). They will teach me how to give myself an HCG injection to trigger ovulation, so I'll do that a day or two before the scheduled IUI. Hopefully, this will increase our chances for a successful pregnancy. Insurance does not cover this procedure, but you cannot put a price on a blessing.

Just a side note: I would have been 30 weeks pregnant today, but God had other plans for our first baby. Everything happens for a reason, and someday I will see it more clearly.

We won't fail unless we quit trying, which is not an option. Roopers are not quitters. It's not like we are running out of time. Time will pass regardless of how long we have to wait. Infertility is, however, a struggle. It is draining and consuming. I will just keep hoping and praying to overcome it.

My anchor holds in spite of the storm.

I will have my RAINBOW....

Dear God

Dear God,

I feel the need to write you a letter of prayer to ask for your forgiveness. It seems that I have been at a loss for words with you these days, and my prayers are not as often or as heartfelt as they should be. I have neglected you even though I know you have not left my side for even a second. I have had a difficult time, and I have unrightfully placed a lot of the blame on you. God, I am sorry for not trusting you... for steering away from the path you have paved for me. I'm sorry for letting go of your hand and for traveling in the opposite direction than you have shown me. I'm sorry for doubting you and for not being patient with you, even though you have had all the patience in the world for me. I'm sorry for being selfish and for thinking more about myself instead of other people. I have been angry with you. I have felt bitter, and you were the easiest for me to blame -so it seemed. I have had a hard time understanding why you would let me go through such heartbreak, when I felt I did not deserve it. I have not allowed myself to see the light but rather just hid in the dark. I am sorry for coveting what other people have, even though I know it is a sin. I see a pregnant woman, and I want to be her. I see a woman holding a baby, and I want to be her. I see a woman able to share ultrasound pics and talk about baby names with her friends, and I want to be her. I see pictures of other peoples' babies, and I want them to be mine. I have tried to control my jealousy, but it's not been easy for me. I'm sorry for letting it go too far. I know that I can't have control over everything in my life, and I'm sorry for losing faith in you. I've been lost, and I didn't exactly know how to find my way. I'm sorry for moving too quickly rather than standing still and letting you move me. I'm sorry for giving up on you. I ask that you be with my family and I, and do what you feel is best for us. Most of all, I pray that you help me to find some comfort, peace, and understanding along the way. That is all I can ask of you. I pray for all of my family and friends, as I know that I'm not the only one dealing with struggles. Everyone is going through something in life that could use prayer and ultimately your healing power. You are a mighty God, and I know you will watch over all of us. Also, please give a kiss to my angel mother for me.

"Beautiful Lord, wonderful Savior, I know for sure, all of my days are held in your hand, crafted into your perfect plan. You gently called me into your presence, guiding me by your Holy Spirit. Teach me dear Lord to live all of my life through your eyes. I'm captured by your holy calling. Set me apart, I know your drawing me to yourself. Lead me, Lord I pray." -"The Potter's Hand"

In Your Holy Name,

Amen.

"Yesterday's Tomorrow"

I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately... and in a positive light. I still miss her dearly, but I am remembering how much better off she is now. She is flying high!

I'm sharing the poem that I wrote for a college English class I took the semester before my mom died in 2005. The final assignment was a choice between a few options, but I chose to write a poem. I chose to write something from my mother's perspective. I had to incorporate "nature" in some way, so I tried to do that as well. I sat and talked with my mom for a couple of hours, listening to her tell stories about her childhood and family. She talked about life and death, her fears, her pain, and what she had to look forward to. I made notes of things I had remembered my mom saying or doing in the past. This poem has a lot of references that some may not grasp, but it all has meaning. My mother's last few years were very dark. She spent a lot of time locked down to a single room, and she became very lonely. All of us were around, but we were busy living our lives. She had to depend on friends and family for EVERYTHING. She was in a dark place. BUT -at the end of the day, she always had hope.

Reading this again today reminded me of how short life is. It reminded me of how strong my mother was -and how strong she made me. Because of her, there is nothing I cannot do. There is nothing I cannot handle. I have my own Angel. <3

I remember reading this to her. As tears ran down her face, and she looked up at me and said, "You get it. Thank you."

I am proud to admit that I got nothing less than a 100% on this assignment. :)

Yesterday’s Tomorrow

It wasn’t always like this, These long days of silence and loneliness. Trapped in this room with nowhere to go, It’s not like there’s anywhere I need to be though. Standing at a fork in the road, I once made a choice, And somewhere along the way, I must have lost my voice.

This life I once had is no longer my own, And what Life I have left has already grown. Somewhere along the path things got turned around, I’ve become a child that’s been broken and bound. All I have left is my thoughts throughout the day, Of what is to come -to my dismay.

Like the mountains that surround me, I’ve tried to be strong, But I’ve learned the hard way that my strength won’t last that long. No one could ever understand what it’s like hidden behind these woods. Of course, I’d never let them, even if I could. Sometimes I pray that the rain will go away, For a break in the trees, signs of a sunny day.

But I know that day will never come Because I’ve already had my day in the sun. Oh, to be free again, not trapped in this shell, I fear no way of dying, for I’m already in Hell. But my mind is still living –in the past, Wishing to be free at last.

So many memories going through my head, Often times I wonder how many memories are dead. Is it because they didn’t much matter, or is it a matter still That some are just too painful to remember them at will? So I leave them scattered on the ground, Like fresh fall leaves plummeting to the ground.

I feel the call of the wild running through my veins, To be one with nature, with the storms and the rains. I want to go back to my childhood home, Where once again I can feel free to roam. Feel the wind in my hair, the sun on my face And hear the sounds of birds singing with such grace.

Sometimes I can almost hear them again, Like the memory is carried in the wind. I know for sure that’s how angels sound, I’ll hear them one day when I’m scattered on the ground But that journey isn’t as fast as I would plan, No one offers to help me to that fantasy land.

I know when I get there it won’t be this way, I’ll step into the light again and have my sunny day. Until then I’m stranded in a raging river of despair, Trying to keep my head above water and gasping for air. It would be so much easier just to float away And not have to count down to the end of my days.

Now I’m lost in this valley of precious little dolls, I turn to them to end the closing of these walls. But wait, there’s more, it can’t end here. They won’t let me die –my worst fear. Why won’t they let me go, let me be free? Then I would be broken from all this misery.

Instead of Death, Life has given me this, A coveted agonizing kiss. I know this is how I would always be, Pushed down so low that no one could ever see me. I would even settle for a little respect, But the only thing I receive is neglect.

I cry out so loud it shakes this empty house, But from this room my voice never seems to get out. Do they ignore me, or can they simply not hear? All I really want is someone near. No one wants to stay too long, I’m such a burdening sight. Like birds that fly in the cold –when it’s time, they take flight.

It doesn’t hurt much anymore, my senses have become immune. It’s almost like my body knows it will be shutting down soon. It would do me no good to sit here and beg or plea, I take it for the fault is my own –no one to blame but me. At least that’s what they tell me these days, My pain comes from my own stupid ways.

But they couldn’t bear the pain that I feel, for even a second of the day. For all the things I neglected to care for, I now have to pay. Oh, how I wish I could turn back the hands of time And tell myself to push through, try to change my mind. I wish I knew then what I know now, I know things would be better somehow.

I wouldn’t be trapped in my own fears, Wishing for soft melodies to drown out my tears. Yet I sit here in darkness as the world passes me by, With a feeling of guilt each time that I cry. I try to look toward a day that will drown out my sorrows. But for me, today is just yesterday’s tomorrow.

What have I done to deserve all of this? Was there a sign in life that I chose to miss? Now it seems that there’s no hope for me, From this bondage I will never be set free. I look ahead, but all I can see - Imagination is what my future will be.

I imagine my family’s lives without me And erase my name from the family tree. I never wanted to be a mother That had to depend on every other. Being told, “You’ll never walk again” was the lowest point in my life, For now I am unable to be the ideal mother and wife.

There are many things I miss as a mother. These memories all come back to me -one time or another. I miss the goodnight hug and kiss, So many things I really do miss The pictures my kids drew for me during school And them saying, “You’re too old to be cool!”

Praying with them each night before bed, And the kisses they printed all over my head, But now that they’re grown up and all, I settle for their sweet little faces on the wall. The pictures are locked tight in a frame, And I smile each when someone mentions their names.

These memories have kept me alive, when I’ve started to fade away. Now my hopes and prayers are to live, at least until their wedding day, But this may only be another dream, I’m afraid, to hear them say “I do”. I hope to help them find happiness before my life is through. But if not, I only hope that from my mistakes they learn And grow to be what I am not, which has always been my concern.

I don’t even know who I am anymore, or maybe I just choose to hide From the Life it seems I’ve already lost and the feelings deep inside. I’m tired of not wanting to feel anymore, It seems that I have been here before. I don’t know how much more I can take, So tell me, God, why me for Heaven’s sake?

I sit here in loneliness each day as hunger fills my soul, But not for a donut or chocolate treat, just a kind word to make me whole. Why should I let the light shine through to pierce this heart once again? To break down the wall I’ve long since built –of leather toughened skin. My friend, Light hasn’t visited me in quite a long while. He used to show up and make me smile.

Now the only visitor I get is my dear friend, Sleep. He’s one that I seem to turn to when I no longer want to weep. Each knock on the door was once a wish, But now I hold my breath, For the fear that my next visitor will be The one and only, Death.

Is Death really as scary as he seems, Or is he like I vision him in my dreams? Does he live in that beautiful place of milk and honey? Where the sky is blue and the days are always sunny? I guess that gives me something to look toward as my days slowly pass, And maybe there’s a little hope in my heart –to finally be free at last.

(This was the initial end of the poem. I added the following after she passed.)

___________________________________

Well, I guess my day has finally come, And my journey begins of many days in the sun. I’m sitting here at Jesus’ feet. “Eternal life,” he says, oh it sounds so sweet. Friends and loved ones do not weep for me, From those prison walls I have been set free.

I know that house will never be the same, And some of you may not remember my name. But for those of you who cannot sleep, I tell you now, you must not weep. For I have seen the Lord Jesus’ face, And the pain that I suffered has all been erased.

If you could only see me now, in this sweet Beulah Land, I’m finally walking the streets of gold, holding my mother and father’s hands. Know, my love, I will always be with you, and we will meet again one day. Until then you must live your lives knowing that I’m not far away. Remember that I am no longer living with such pain or such sorrow, And see that it is okay to live in yesterday’s tomorrow.

*In Loving Memory of my brave and dear mother –Arnetta Faye Stillwell Born: February 26, 1953 and went to be with the Lord on June 28, 2005. I miss you, Mommy. I love you most!

(Sorry for the jumbled lines... I couldn't get the blog to post the poem in the format I have it on my computer.)

Get Out of the Driver's Seat!

It looks like my last post was in April. Oh my! A lot has happened since then. I had a great 29th birthday and got to spend it with so many of the people I love. Jason surprised me and invited several people to dinner, and over 20 of my close friends and family showed up. I'm blessed.

May was an exciting month for us. The moment we had anxiously been awaiting finally happened, and we found out we were going to have a baby. I got my first POSITIVE pregnancy test on May 23rd -my daddy's birthday. We were so excited. I had actually planned to go to Logan that evening, but I cancelled that trip b/c I couldn't leave town without telling Jason the news after he got off work. I couldn't tell him over the phone. I had set up a scavenger hunt all around our house with rhyming clues -one leading to the next, etc. The last clue told him the big news. It was a perfect moment for the both of us. We went to Logan the next day for my oldest niece's graduation, so we told my family. We went on a motorcycle benefit ride the very next day with Jason's parents, so we told them then. We could not help but to share the news b/c we were too excited.

I had gotten a blood test which was positive, but the beta number was really low (Hcg 14). We weren't telling others yet because were were being cautious. I took another home pregnancy test a few days later, and it was NEGATIVE. We were devastated. I called the doctor, and they told me to go get another blood test (Hcg 7). We just knew it was a chemical pregnancy. I had a period (sorry if this is TMI for you), so we just knew it was the end. The doctor told me to get another blood test in a week to make sure my numbers go back down to normal. I repeated the blood test as ordered, and I didn't even call that day for the results -I just knew it would be negative. The nurse called me the next day and told me congratulations -it was POSITIVE (Hcg 100). ????? I was so confused. My first thought was that it was ectopic (in my fallopian tube) and that it wasn't viable. I went and repeated blood test (Hcg 168) and had an ultrasound. We didn't see anything on the ultrasound, but the doc said it was still too early. I repeated blood test again, and it went up to Hcg 511. My ob/gyn told me congrats and that it looked good, so they went ahead and scheduled my 10-week appointment. The doc told me that most likely what had happened was that I had started with two embryos (twins) and had lost one, and the second one had implanted later than the first. We knew it was still early, but we were very hopeful and decided to tell everyone about the pregnancy. It was a happy, perfect moment.

Knowing that we were going out of the country for a week for vacation, I went ahead and called my fertility specialist in Lexington and asked if I could come in for an earlier ultrasound just to make sure everything looked okay. We went in for the ultrasound on June 17th at 7.5 weeks. That's where we got the devastating news that the pregnancy is not viable... it was ectopic. My Hcg levels were still rising but not normally (Hcg 1736). The doctor had to give me a shot of methotrexate (which is a small dose of chemotherapy) to force a miscarriage. This was the complete opposite of a perfect moment for us. It's something I don't even know how to begin to describe. Horror, maybe. The doc told me that I should not leave the country (which was going to be 2 days later), but I was very stubborn and went on vacation anyway. I did follow doc's orders to get blood tests on days 4 & 7 after the shot. The hospital in Jamaica is very sad and an experience, to say the least. My Hcg levels needed to drop at least 15% from day 4 (Hcg 1629) to 7 (Hcg 1466), which they did not. I had to go back to Lexington the day after we got back and had another injection of methotrexate. Since then, it has been a waiting game and repeated blood work every week. I can’t imagine that going through a miscarriage is ever easy, for anyone, ever. For me… knowing that I was going to have a miscarriage… and waiting for it to happen has been the worst part. No matter how much you try, you cannot prepare yourself for it. Well, it finally happened at 10.5 weeks. I’m still repeating the blood test every week, waiting for my Hcg levels to drop back down to <5. I'm almost there.

This has been a physical and emotional rollercoaster, and I am ready to move on. I’m realizing more and more each day how strong I can be, even when I feel weak. I am choosing to blog about this whole experience, once again, because I will read this back someday and be reminded of exactly how far I have come.

We have to wait at least 3 months from the date of my last shot before we can TRY AGAIN, so we are taking a break from the whole baby making business, lol. After everything we have been through, this break will be good for us. I am not a mother yet, but I am still a wife. I am focusing on that. Jason and I have been spending a lot of time together, enjoying one another. I feel closer to him than ever, and I am blessed to have him by my side. We are having a fun summer so far.

Vacation was everything I needed it to be. I got to spend an entire week with three of the people I love the most –my husband, dad, and sister. I wasn’t allowed to drink alcohol (which totally sucks when you’re staying at al ALL-inclusive resort), but I still had a really great time. We climbed the Dunn’s River Falls and took a catamaran cruise to Margaritaville (I did sneak a few sips). I was able to completely relax, enjoyed the sunshine and gorgeous scenery, great food and entertainment, and even better company. We got to go snorkeling, and we sprinkled some of Mom's ashes in the ocean and sand. We all had such an amazing time in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Yeah, mon!

Jason and I have also joined a new gym and are doing CrossFit training. It is hardcore, but hell, so are we! ;) I get more out of a 30 minute workout there than I was getting in an hour and a half on my own. It’s nice to have trainers pushing you, others supporting you, and motivation driving you. I love that it’s competitive, but you compete with yourself. How fun!

Other Summer events:

* we bought a Harley!

* 2nd annual block party was a complete success! This year's theme: Luau!

* Spent the 4th of July with the Zimmermans & then Beev's party

* My best friend Kayla's beautiful daughter, Delaney, turned 3!

I’m in a better mindset these past few weeks, and I’m trying to regain my positive outlook on life. I’ve prayed a lot even though, quite frankly, I’ve been angry with God. I couldn’t grasp why he would give us something we've been wanting so badly and then immediately take it away. Whatever His reasoning is, I did not want to accept it. I had a tough time dealing with the heartbreak. For a period, anything anyone said to me was always the “wrong” thing to say. Haha, quite ridiculous, I know. Crazy pregnancy hormones played a huge part in all of this, I’m sure. LOL! I just needed to grieve, and I did. I’m moving on now. Things happen in life that we may not understand, but we have to move past it and accept the reality. Yes, it will happen when it is supposed to. Yes, it is in God’s hands. Yes, everything happens for a reason. I just need to get out of the driver’s seat.

BEEP BEEP!

“My anchor holds in spite of the storm.”

"Baby" Steps

Where to even start? Hmmmm....

Well, our journey continues with the hope of parenthood. A lot has happened over the past few weeks, but I will do my best to remain positive. Here's the low-down:

I drove to my doctor's appointment in Louisville with my mother-in-law last Thursday (I'm making Jason save his time off for the more important appointments since I figured this was only a consult). Let's rewind to my last office visit: I had asked my ob/gyn to refer me to a fertility specialist, so she referred me to a specific guy in Louisville whom ob/gyn talked highly of. When I got to the appointment, it turns out that the doctor was not a fertility specialist but a surgeon. He was not able to help me. He was nice enough to check with one of the REs (reproductive endocrinologist) in the clinic to see if he could fit me in since I had driven 3 hours there. The doctor was able to see me, but he was obviously caught off guard since I was not on his schedule for the day. He did not have time to review my chart, medical records, test results, etc. before talking to me; therefore, the quick consult that we had was a bit overwhelming. I gave the specialist a quick version of my story & the treatments I've already completed, and when I explained the meds/cycle days/method of treatment.... he informed me that one of the medications my ob/gyn had me taking was too high of a dosage.... and another one I've been on for the past 7 months has actually prevented me from becoming pregnant. UGH. I was starting progesterone the day after a positive ovulation predictor test for the previous 7 cycles, under ob/gyn's order, which was too soon. The specialist told me that I should have been taking the clomid without the progesterone and with a lower dosage of estrogen. I had a lot of questions before going there, and I left with most of them unanswered. This doctor was very nice, and I believed what he was saying. However, I did not feel at ease after a 10-15 min. conversation with a doctor who had not seen any of my medical history. I tried calling a fertility specialist at Cabell Huntington Hospital, but the soonest they could fit me in would have been July 16th. I really did not want to wait that long. I had already waited over a month to get in to see the doctor at Louisville. I got a recommendation from a coworker on Monday to see a specialist in Lexington, so I called. Talk about good timing -they had just gotten a cancellation, so they were able to fit me in to see Dr. Akin the very next day.

Now to talk about weird timing, my ob/gyn actually left the hospital about a week and a half ago. I won't go into details about that, but I have been in the process of finding a new doctor and chose to stay with one at KDMC. I have an appointment to see Dr. Dotson in two weeks, and it turns out that Dr. Akin knows him and said that I made a really good choice. Again, I went off of a recommendation from that same coworker who has also dealt with infertility. My appointment yesterday with Dr. Akin went very well. He reviewed my medical records in detail. He told me that according to my test results, I had never tested low for progesterone and didn't need to be taking it. He said that starting progesterone less than 3 days past a positive ovulation test will act as birth control. I won't explain how all of that works, but let's just say that I've been a little angry about the situation. I won't go into detail about how much money the progesterone alone has cost me (not counting all other expenses up until now) because none of that matters now, but I've been quite frustrated since finding all of this out. What hurts the most is knowing that the past several months of unnecessary stress and devastation could have been different. Oh, the what IFs...... I won't beat myself up too much over this because we all trust and listen to our doctors. I just wish I would have moved on to a fertility specialist a lot sooner than now. I know, I know... everything happens for a reason. There's a time and a place for everything. You can't change the past. Have no regrets. Yada yada.

My big sister rode to Lexington with me yesterday to see Dr. Akin. He gave me a few options and explained all of them to me very well. He has a 75% success rate with IVF, but there are cheaper and less invasive options for us right now without jumping straight into that option. He suggested that I try the clomid for a couple of months without the estradiol or progesterone. I won't need to come in for the ultrasound for monitoring, and I don't need to continue doing the ovulation predictor tests. I can, however, come in for a blood test to see if ovulation actually occurred. If not, he will know to up the dosage of clomid the next cycle. If that doesn't work, we can add the HCG trigger shot and IUI (intrauterine insemination). He said he is willing to do that at any time if we decide to go ahead and go that route. My only concern with continuing on the clomid is the research showing a correlation between extended use of climid and increased risk of ovarian cancer. That's a little scary to me. I've already been on it for 7 months and would be starting my 8th. Prayer is all I can depend on. At least now we have options!

Less medications, less steps, less counting -that would be a good start for reducing my stress level.

A week in Jamaica!!!!! -now that will also add some joy. June 19th needs to hurry up and get here, so we can take our much needed vacation!

Funny story: I got a flat tire while driving home after the appointment. I pulled off of the road, and Mary Ann was going to change the tire in a dress. Hah! I had my camera ready! We opened the trunk to find that we had no spare tire, car jack, or lug wrench. I called Jason, and he said to try to make it to the nearest gas station and put air in it. Well, we drove about 2 miles (with 2 more miles to go) and the tire blew out! A guy stopped and offered to give us his spare tire if it fit the car, but neither of us had a wrench, lol. We called AllState roadside service (Mary Ann has it), and they were willing to tow us to a tire shop to buy a new tire. However, it was after 6:30 and the closest tire shops were closed. We figured it would be just as fast if Jason just packed up the stuff and drove to meet us. We were an hour from Ashland. :) It was nice getting to spend that extra time with my sister, though. We talked, laughed, and had a great time. I needed that. Time to invest in some AAA. LOL!

On a more serious note: I realize that I have been a lot for some people to handle lately, and maybe I have been a little too emotional or borderline crazy. However, I can only be ME. That's all I know how to do. I can't control heartbreak. I can't control when I am upset. I have given a lot in life, and right now I am allowing myself to take. I understand that I am not the only one going through a tough time and that everyone has their own personal struggles. I have always been willing to listen and feel that I have tried my best to be there for everyone else when he or she needed me. I just need to feel that it is okay for me to think about me right now without feeling guilty about it. ... without worrying that I may be pushing people away or getting on their nerves. It's times like these when I need my friends and family the most. I have focused all of my time and energy on my health and infertility lately instead of focusing on my friendships and my marriage. I'm lucky that friends and family, and especially my loving husband, have stuck by me throughout this whole ordeal. All I ask from anyone is that you try to understand that I've been going through a rough patch and do not judge me for it. Please don't take it personally if you have seen me lately, and I didn't immediately ask you how your day went or how you are doing. It's not that I don't care; I've just had a lot on my mind. We can all be self-absorbed at times, and I am no exception. I am blessed to have wonderful people in my life, and I hope you know how much I care for you all. I don't want sympathy, and I don't want people to walk on egg shells around me. All I ask for is a little patience and understanding. My husband deserves an award; he has mastered both of these! :)

I may be going through a difficult time, but I am still ME. I may be taking baby steps, but at least I'm moving forward.....

"Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs" -Henry Ford

I Will "Stand Back Up"

This song has helped me through a lot over the past 8 years.  I'm not dressed up.  It's not a perfect vocal.  There are a few misplucked strings.  But, I'm posting this video anyway.  "Stand Back Up" by Sugarland has brought me out of some dark holes, and it's my current anthem, LOL. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYZRdozQkho

Timing is Everything

God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand His wisdom, but we simply have to trust His will. –Psalm 37:5

We’ve all heard the phrase, “Timing is everything.” I am starting to understand this in a whole new light these days. Thinking back on all the dreams and ambitions I’ve had throughout my life, I have been able to accomplish way more than I ever set forth for myself. I always dreamt that I’d go many places, which I have. I always dreamt that I’d get a college degree, which I got two. I always dreamt that I’d have a career that I loved, which I do. I’d always dreamt that I’d make my family proud, which I feel I have. I always dreamt that I’d take good care of myself, both physically and emotionally, which for the most part I have. I’d always dreamt that I’d find a man to love and who loved me back just as much, which I have found much more than that. I always dreamt that I’d have a gorgeous wedding with all the people I love in attendance, which I couldn’t have asked for anything more on our wedding day. I’d always dreamt of having children of my own to love and cherish like my mother loved me…. Well, this is the part I am struggling with…. THIS…. Well… this has been difficult for me.

After “inactively” trying for a little while to get pregnant, and it didn’t happen, we began to “actively” try… still no pregnancy. I then began to realize that I might have some sort of problem. After a few doctor’s visits and tests, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which is way more common than I realized at the time. Because of my PCOS and its severity, my body does not ovulate or produce eggs, making it difficult (and some months impossible) to get pregnant on my own. I also had an HSG ultrasound that showed that my fallopian tubes were partially blocked, but the doctor was able to clear them. I didn’t understand because I have always taken good care of my body. This was all devastating news for me because I always believed that once I decided I was ready to have a baby, I would just make it happen. Now, I’m realizing that it’s not that simple. Now, it’s ALL about “timing”.

We decided to go the route of trying the fertility drugs, so the doc put me on Clomid 50mg to start out. This was supposed to help me ovulate. The “timing” of this medication is crutial, so I took it cd (cycle days) 5-9, estradiol cd10-14, & progesterone cd15-BFN (big fat negative) pregnancy test. I had an ultrasound cd 12 which showed that the clomid did not work. Sound confusing? Oh, it is! Let’s add in the ovulation tests, basal body temps, & other fun things I get to do on a daily basis. The process is rather consuming to say the least.

The doc then upped the dosage of Clomid to 100mg the next month, and I repeated the same cycle days & 3 medications precisely. The ultrasound showed 2-3 mature follicles, and I got a positive ovulation test; however, we got another devastating BFN. I did the same thing… 100mg of Clomid, estradiol, progesterone, and scheduled ultrasounds (to monitor my follicles for overstimulation and to prevent myself from becoming the next OctoMOM, lol…. The meds increase my chance of having multiples) for another two months. Repeated BFNs. On my fifth and sixth rounds of Clomid, we added an HCG trigger injection (Novarel 10,000 units) to trigger ovulation after scheduled ultrasounds. Also, I changed Clomid days to cd3-7 on that last round. I thought for sure that this would work, but alas another BFN last month. I can honestly say that I’ve never experienced more heartbreak in my entire life than what I’ve experienced over the past several months. I cannot put into words how I feel every time I see a negative pregnancy test. I know there are so many women out there who experience this same pain and disappointment, and my heart goes out to them. I am a strong person, but this has been breaking me down. I’m sure that all the hormones that have been pumped into my body for the past, well, however long, do not help with the emotional stability.... or should I say instability.?. Basically, I am a hot mess! Poor Jason has had to put up with me and all this mess!

We went back to the doc last week, and my doc has referred me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in Louisville, KY for possible IVF (in vetro fertilzation). I have an appointment on April 18th, which is only a few weeks away. While we “wait,” however, the doc went ahead and put me on one last round of Clomid 100mg cd 3-7, paired with Metformin 500mg 3x/day. I’ll continue with the estradiol and progesterone as well as the HCG trigger shot. Maybe the Metformin will be the magic potion, but we shall see. I really hate to get my hopes up anymore because I hate being let down. However, I can’t always be negative either… that’ll do me no good.

My insurance does not cover the cost of infertility, so this has already been quite an expense for us. I know it’ll all be worth it in the end, but it’s hard to see that light right now. I do not handle disappointment very well (who does?), and I have noticed myself becoming more and more self-absorbed and selfish these days. Hormones, hello!?! Jason and I wanted to keep it a secret when we were first trying to get pregnant because we wanted to surprise our friends and family with the good news. It hasn’t been that easy for us. It’s becoming more and more of a struggle not to talk about everything we’ve been going through, and I’ve shut people out. I don’t want to do that anymore. I am hoping that by writing again that I will find some peace of mind. I used my blog in the past as a form of therapy, did a lot of soul searching, and learned a lot about myself in the process. I want to start blogging about my experience with infertility, hopefully I’ll get to read this back one day soon and realize how lucky I am. I’ll use this as a constant reminder of how strong I still am and all the trials I’ve overcome. This is just a test, and I will pass it.

I’ve learned a lot about patience thus far. Mostly that I don’t have any, lol. Seriously, though, I know that this is God’s plan and not mine. I have to stand still and let Him move, and all will fall into place for us. That doesn’t mean it won’t be hard or that I won’t have to feel pain along the way, but I know that God will bring us through it. I’ve been praying a lot, and I hope that whoever reads this will pray for us as well. To be honest, I have neglected my blog over the past year because I wasn't ready to "talk about" what was really on my mind. I have avoided a lot of people and a lot of conversations. I think I'm ready now. And hopefully our story will touch and inspire someone else in the long run. If this helps other people, then it'll all be worth it. I'll try to keep you updated.

Hopefully I will read this again one day soon and let out a big sigh of relief:

“Your journey has molded you for the greater good. It was exactly what it needed to be. Don’t think you’ve lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time”.

Bloggity blog update

Another neglectful eight to nine months of silence… tisk tisk. The past several months have been busy... making more wonderful memories, but it has also been a tough time for me. I will explain this in a later post. For now, I’ll give the low down of the recent events happening around here.

Of course, we did some tailgating and attended Marshall games in the fall. GO HERD!

We celebrated our first wedding anniversary at Verde Farm Cottage, where we got married. I had set up a photo shoot & couples massages (the ladies from a salon came to the cottage). While we got our massages, my best friend, Kayla, prepared a fancy dinner for us! We had a nice candlelit dinner and some sparkling wine. We walked around the farm & fed the animals, and the lovely lady at the farm let us use her pool for a night time swim. It was a relaxing and memorable day for us.

We dressed up as Dexter and his victim for Halloween. We became obsessed with that show, so we were pretty excited about the costumes.

Our families came to our house for Thanksgiving. It was nice to have everyone together again, and we all had a really great time. I hope to do this again.

Christmas this year was busy but exciting. We went to our friends Kory and Megan’s costume party where everyone dressed up as Christmas characters. That was fun. We went to the Rooper Christmas dinner in Hurricane on Christmas Eve, Logan for Christmas morning, then Jason’s parents’ house Christmas evening. Like I said… busy but fun!

We spent New Year’s Eve at a big all-inclusive party in Charleston at the Embassy Suites. This was phenomenal! We will absolutely be doing this again. It was fun to get dressed up and dance the night away!

We went skiing in Canaan Valley again in January with the Rileys and Zimmermans. We got a nice cabin and got to stay two nights. It was actually a pretty warm weekend, so the snow was a little slushy and difficult to ski on. However, we still had a great time. Can’t wait to go again!

We celebrated Valentine’s Day two days early again because that was the day we got engaged. To me, that day means more. Plus, it’s a bonus to be able to avoid most of the busy crowds at all the nice restaurants, lol. Jason got me some flowers and a beautiful open-hearts necklace. I got him a new fossil watch. He took me to the Blackhawk Grill for dinner. Yum!

Thanks to one of my First Steps families, I got backstage passes for a meet and greet with Miranda Lambert! I was way excited about this!

We had a baby shower for one of my best friends, Crissa, in February. She gave birth to her precious baby boy, Elijah Ray Keefer on March 15, 2013. He is quite the little blessing, I can tell. One of my other best friends, Lacie, also announced in February that she is pregnant as well. Baby Casto is due on his/her daddy’s birthday, September 13, 2013. I hope it’s a girl!

We helped Kayla and Wesley move into their new house last weekend. The house is extremely nice, and I am excited for them. Of course, most of my “helping” consisted of entertaining and cuddling their gorgeous baby girl, Delaney. She brightens my day, no matter what. I love that child so much. We have booked our vacation for 7 nights at an all-inclusive resort in Montego Bay, Jamaica with the Boggs family June 19th – 25th. We just booked our flights for that this week, so we’re all set. Now I just need some new swim suits and a couple new dresses, haha! And for time to fly by. ☺

Speaking of time flying by…. my sister turned 30 this month, and I will be 29 next month. This is insane. Yikes! I'll be sure to enjoy my 20s while I still can. :)