Square One

Well kids, it kinda looks like I am back to square one -although not completely. I learned a lot about myself this past weekend. I am starting to look at my life a little differently now, and I'm starting to weigh the things that are and are not important to me. I will start with the things I learned about myself (that I kinda knew before but never fully considered the extent to which it affected my life & the choices I've made):

1.) I am IMPULSIVE. How could I not see the extent to this before? I bought Colby Jack on impulse -yes I knew that -and didn't have time to take care of him. I accepted the first job offer I got (not counting the job offer in California because it was offered the summer before completing graduate school) without even looking at other options. I agreed to move to Jacksonville immediately when my best friend told me she wanted me to. I impulsively bought a new car the day I went to test drive it -then come to find out I could have gotten the same car for a better deal in Logan. I impulsively bought Arnie at a pet store (when I really shouldn't have spent that kind of money right away) although I just went to "look" at puppies. This is one impulsive decision I, however, DO NOT regret at all. I impulsively tell people I will do things before even thinking about it and either end up having to do it to keep my obligation or break an obligation which I never feel good about. I act on impulse quite too often and rarely make a pros & cons list to weigh the odds. What the heck? I need to change that STAT.

2.) I am PASSIVE. This is something I have known for a long time. It has come back to bite me in the butt on numerous occasions; however, I am really starting to think about and realize the extent of how that trait has affected me. I think that my passivity gives me a weapon to act on impulse. There are things in life that I stress over and the rest is unnecessary in my mind, so I don't care. I mean, you all know that I freak out (on impulse) if something happens unexpectedly, and I live off of other people's drama. But the little things that I should care about have never gotten to me. I don't fully think through situations because I am naive and passive and don't care most of the time -always believing that things will work out for the best (after the minor freak outs, of course). Well, my friends, sometimes things don't always work out on their own. We gotta make it happen -actively! I believe that my passive trait contributes to the fact that I am still single as well -I am always giving and giving and giving, doing and doing and doing, and then sitting around -waiting and guessing and feeling like I never know what's going on. Story of my life. I could go on and on about how my passivity has kicked me in the butt, but I won't.

3.) I gain FAITH and go to church every day -in my own life experiences. I have grown more in my faith over the past few months than I did sitting in church for many many years. This may sound bad to some, but to me -it's spiritually uplifting. I grew up going to church every week, never missing a Sunday unless it was an emergency. I found a church here that I like, but it's not "home" to me. I find myself sitting there, daydreaming, and crying internally because I feel like I am one of those people I always judged because they were "Sunday Christians" who came to church every week but never showed an ounce of faith or Christianity in their lives. When I am sitting in that church, I feel like I am sitting there because it is expected. Expected of whom? I don't know. Expected of myself -I believe. I have lately come to find faith in the ocean, in the trees, in the sun, in the wind, in the people walking by me on the sidewalk who stop to say hello, or the man in the Publix parking lot who almost fell down before I helped him put his shoe back on. As cliche as this sounds, I am learning more about faith and prayer through experience and my surroundings than I do while sitting in church on Sunday mornings. This scares me a bit because it is not what I know.

The things that are NOT important to me:
1.) The beach is NOT important to me.
2.) A huge place to live with lots of activities and things to do are NOT important to me.
3.) Meeting new people and making new friends -this is great, and something I'm completely grateful for -but NOT important to me.
4.) Having a job that pays a whole lot of money is NOT important to me.

The things that ARE important to me:
1.) My family is important to me. I cannot stand to be so far away from them.
2.) My friends, not just any friends, but the people who share my life -memories, inside jokes, experiences that nobody new in the world will ever be able to understand or relate to or laugh/cry about with me. I have been fortunate to have found the most amazing people that I can call friends, and I didn't realize how difficult it would be to replace those relationships. It is not only difficult; it's impossible. Who am I kidding to think that I can find friends some place that will make me feel any more like "ME" than the friends back home? God, I miss them. I don't want to live this far away from them and miss more weddings, anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, etc. It is difficult having to miss things that are important to me.
3.) My career is important to me. I love the job that I have, but it is easy. I have rarely been known to settle for easy. I don't feel challenged with my job at all. It is hard for me to say that because the job I have now has been super easy for me to adjust, and I feel comfortable doing it -but it doesn't challenge me. I don't feel good about what I did at the end of the day. To be honest, I rarely even have to think at work because artic therapy comes naturally to me. The only challenge that comes with my current job is to deal with my emotions in tough (environmental) situations. I can say that I never wake up dreading work, and I never go home in a bad mood. But when I go to sleep at night, I don't get that feeling of accomplishment. Again, this is only my CFY so I have plenty of time to go from here. I am just realizing early on that I need to be challenged -which is why I have already started looking for other jobs for next year (not to mention I need something for the summer because my impulsivity caused me to accept a job that didn't pay during the summer nor give me an option of extended pay.

On this continuous journey of finding myself, I am discovering that maybe I want to be closer to home. I don't want to move back home, but I want to be close enough to see people as often as I want without having to consider whether or not I can afford it or have to take a day off (without pay) to make a trip. This is why I am looking into the Charlotte, NC area. I need to find a happy medium. I am not unhappy. I am still enjoying Jacksonville, and I do not regret my decision to move down here. I am actually still LOVING Jacksonville, and the newness hasn't completely worn off yet. I guess I can say that my decision to move to Florida helped keep me from moving all the way across the country, lol. I just know that I have never appreciated West Virginia more than now. I have spent my whole life waiting to get out of the state -when in all honesty part of me longs to be there again. I am not going to move back to WV right now because I need to do what I set out to do, but I need to be close enough to go HOME. What will happen in the future is still "unknown" -but again, that leaves room for possibilities. Until then, I'm gonna continue finding Me.

With Love Comes Challenge

So I decided to name my new puppy after my mommy. Of course, I would never name a dog something as terrible as "Arnetta" LOL, but I thought "Arnie" was totally cute enough and fitting for the little pooch. I really think it suits him well. I love coming home from work to something that loves me unconditionally and is so excited to see me after leaving him locked up for hours. I am never lonely with him around. Actually, he's good for me. I get up earlier to take him for a walk every morning instead of sleeping late and having to rush to get to work on time. I don't have to put a leash on him because he follows me everywhere -just like ToTo! I do, however, put the leash on him to go walking outside of the complex just in case. He is cuddly and is the perfect lap dog. And the best part, did I mention?!?, he doesn't shed! I know I keep rambling on about him, but gosh I love my little Arnie. It killed me to have to give Colby Jack away when I moved, so it's nice to have that responsibility and company present again. This one is MUCH easier to potty train than CJ. I refuse to start out with puppy-pads because it just makes the process more difficult in the end. Arnie is doing fantastic with the outside-only rule. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I have more time to train this one. Being in grad school and working at the same time didn't help with training a dog. I bought Colby Jack on impulse and truthfully didn't have time for him. This time, I am settled and can take on the responsibility without feeling guilty about it. With love comes challenge. Bring it on, I'm ready!

We took a trip to the beach today. It was the first day where it's been below 70 degrees, so I was able to wear a sweatshirt (with shorts, haha) and tennis shoes to go for a little jog in the sand. Arnie will run right alongside me and enjoys it as much as, if not more than, I do. He's tiny, so I have to slow down my pace -I don't mind. Have I mentioned that I HATE going to the beach by myself? I go there to run, which is beautiful and refreshing. However, to be honest, it sucks to go alone. The first couple of times, I was able to appreciate the beauty and the peace of living by the ocean. But you can't get that feeling every single time you go to the beach. It gets old. Don't get me wrong -I still love it. Just not by myself. Now I can go and not be alone. I have my little man to go with me. Every "single" person needs a dog. I love mine. We will be perfect for each other. Okay, enough about my dog for now….

Yesterday was a load of fun. I went to TimeOut bar & grill to watch the Marshall vs. WVU game with the alumni groups of Jax. We usually go to a different place to watch the games, but the WVU Alumni group invited us to come to "their" place to watch the game with them. Little did they know that we would outnumber them and out-yell them. This was the best turnout we've had for a game yet -the place was packed with hillbillies (that's what I'm calling us West Virginians). Even though MU lost, we definitely enjoyed ourselves. I love the school (and state) pride that we all have here. I am proud of where I'm from, and it's enlightening to share that with great people. Even though I don’t like WVU, when I see someone with a WV hat on, it makes me smile. I'm hoping to make it down to Orlando for the Marshall vs. Central Florida game. It's Sunday night at 8pm, so that might be a problem. We shall cross our fingers & see. I actually had friends come over to my apartment to hang out this week. I've only had friends over a couple of times, so it was nice to entertain visitors. Stacie came over one evening for dessert, wine, & movies. Josh & Laura came over after the game. I was excited to order pizza -something I never do when it's just me. Friends are good.

I’m driving home in 4 days for Michaelyn’s wedding. I got my dress & shoes, and I’ve been practicing the song. I totally remember now why I am a SECOND soprano instead of a first. I am singing “The Prayer” by Celine Dion (without the foreign portion, lol), which is rather high in pitch. It’s a beautiful song, and most of it is comfortable for me, yet there are a few high notes that I pray don’t turn out sounding like squawking instead of singing. ☺ I can’t wait to go home –hopefully to Logan for a night this time! I need some hugs from family to give me fuel for another couple of months.

A Woman's Best Friend

This has been an extremely busy week, and we're about to start another. I haven't been so happy for a weekend since graduate school (I make it sound like it was forever ago, I know). This past week was definitely the busiest one I've had. I caught a good glimpse of the stress of working & the real world, that's for sure. The schools have both been more of a stressful environment (not with the kids but the people I work with) than usual...I think because testing & report cards coming up soon. The testing is a lot different here than the schools back home and, especially with the turn around school I'm working in, the teachers/principals/counselors are working extra hard to try to prepare the students in order to meet criteria to keep the school open. I've had a lot more paperwork on top of still finding & adding kids to my caseload in both schools. I guess there are pros and cons to contract work (the pros being that I pretty much come & go as I please, get paid way more, and don't have to do all that extra stuff teachers have to do such as lunch/bus duty or staff meetings....the cons being that I have to do double duty to treat kids at 2 different schools & do twice as many IEPs, meetings, & such).

A funny story at the middle school: I was working with a language group on vocabulary & words with multiple meanings. I asked the kids to use the word "spoon" in two different ways (as a noun and as a verb). I was thinking (while looking at pictures representing the two) about "spoon" as something you eat with and "spoon" as in scooping out some soup or ice cream. Until.......one kid says, "You know, like you spoon somebody." And then the conversation got started. I had to try to explain to the kids that "spooning" is like cuddling. Then one kid says, "I just don't get it. You can't cuddle a spoon." Muahhhahha! There is never a dull moment. That's for sure!

I had a great weekend. I got plenty of rest, watched plenty of football at Seth's house yesterday, and ate plenty of food. I did get some running in toward the end of the week, but it's been extremely humid these past couple of days. It was in the high 80s yesterday and in the 90s today....HOT! I started a new book this morning, but I didn't read far into it. I got to thinking that I am settled into my apartment, content with my life, and have friends here.....and therefore, it would totally be appropriate timing for me to get a new dog! So, as you all can guess, of course I bought a puppy today! I totally went just to look because I know the pet stores are way too expensive. However, I fell in love. I picked up a yorkie-chihuahua, and I refused to put him back in that cage. I just couldn't bring myself to leave the store without him. I prefer a girl, but I love this little guy. He's tiny, has chihuahua ears, but doesn't shed! He is the perfect dog! YAY. My friend, Erin, lives by me & walks by my apartment every day (her walking route with her daughter)....and she said she'll drop in and let him out during the day when I'm at work. I only work til 2:30 or 3:00 in the afternoon, so it's not too long for him to be in a cage anyway (until he is potty trained). I have a companion now. Just what I needed. <3

Roots: All things must come to the soul from where it was planted.

I really need to do a better job at keeping up with my blog. I've slacked off here lately. It has been a crazy, busy couple of weeks. I finally got to go back home to WV, although I wish I could've spent more time there. The trips were entirely too quick -but well worth it. The first weekend trip was to Cincinnati for Lacie's bachelorette party. Needless to say we all had a fun time. It was refreshing to see my best friends (especially my sister) and to get out of my normal routine that I've grown accustom to these days. Following the party, I flew back to Florida for another work week only to turn right back around and leave again. This time for the WEDDING! As you could all guess, Lacie was the most beautiful bride. The wedding plans were forced to change due to the monsoon we experienced that day, but everything turned out nicely in the end (even after the flat tire we experienced along the way, haha). Lacie Deeds is now Lacie Casto. I still cannot believe she is finally married. They make a fabulous couple, and I'm blessed to have the both of them in my life. It was another weekend of familiar faces, voices, & laughs in addition to the inside jokes I miss so much (which I continue to crack even when nobody knows what the hell I am talking about -I still laugh). Gosh, I miss my friends. More & more every day. It was great to reunite two weekends in a row, but it made me not want to leave home again. I had to keep reminding myself that I love my life here too. I know everybody says this same thing, but I truly believe it when I say that I have the best friends in the entire world. I couldn't ask for greater love & support -which is a huge part of why I am able to chase my dreams and live the life I am living. I owe much thanks to "home" and everything/one associated with it. I love my roots.

The next trip is for Michaelyn's wedding toward the end of this month. I plan to drive instead of fly (yikes) because flights are no cheaper than $400, and my friend Erin told me she'll ride in with me, help drive, and give me money for gas. Her friend's birthday is that weekend. I am taking that Monday off, so that will give us an extra day since I am driving. It will be nice because I can spend one night in Huntington and one night in Logan, hopefully. We shall see. Also in the travel category -my supervisor, Stacie, and I plan to take a weekend cruise here soon. I think we're gonna go down to Orlando for Halloween because Universal Studios has tons of entertainment & festivities. After that, I am going to Disney World on November 7th. I hate that I am going to miss Kristen's wedding that weekend though. Boo!

Work continues to treat me well. I never wake up dreading my job, and I never leave work in a bad mood. I couldn't ask for more than that. I continue to learn every day. I do leave with a heavy heart some days: I've seen and heard some sad cases with my students, and I've had to do things I never even thought about before. For instance, calling social services on families and even referring one to a homeless shelter. I also had to have the famous "Don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't do something" talk with a 13 year old who said he wants to be a doctor when he grows up, yet he can never be a doctor because he's in special ed. That was an eye-opener for me. I'm used to working with kids young enough to not even realize they have communication problems. In middle school, it's a different story. I have several fluency kids with a lot of emotional baggage, and I find myself wanting to be the friend instead of the therapist. I do the therapy, but my heart is tugged at a little during those sessions. One thing I am picking up with this job is the ability to not be such a softy. Don't get me wrong -I am a TOTAL softy. I'm just finding it a little easier to "recover" after some things are seen and done (with the exception of the couple of cases mentioned above. Those are way sad!).

Since we're on the topic of JOBS -how about YAY for my sister! She starts a new teaching job in Logan County soon. She is waiting to hear what subject because I think there are a few positions that came open. My uncle told her that it will probably be in a week or two. They just fired some teachers there, and they were discussing Jenn at the board meeting last week. I'm twiddling my thumbs, waiting to see, and I know she is very excited. I am extremely proud of her. I know my mom would be proud of her too. Awww, happy moment. <3