The Ugly Duckling

Work this week has been more than frustrating. I am pushed in the back of everyone at the middle school. I feel like the poor little ugly duckling in the back of the line. The teachers get mad when I ask them to fill out a simple (I mean super simple) checklist about a child’s progress and abilities in the classroom. The forms are not specific, require yes/no responses, and, if they are generous enough, writing a short comment about the student’s performance in the classroom. It’s nothing they really have to think about or take more than two minutes of their time to do. I get teachers telling me, “You are really working me over” and huffing and puffing when I hand them a consultation or teacher input form. I realize the teachers are busy, but I have to get my work (documentation) completed too. It’s entirely frustrating. Nobody wants to accommodate me for any reason at all. I get bottom priority for using the internet in my own classroom. I have to share a classroom with an ESE teacher, and we only have one internet port where we can use the online IEP program; therefore, we have to “take turns” working on reports. She is there 5 days a week, and I know she is not seeing kids in the classrooms like she is supposed to be because she spends all of her time at her desk –on the phone. Why can’t she get her work done while I’m not here? I am there two days a week, and when I’m there I can’t even work on my reports because she demands to use Encore herself. She will unplug my cable and plug herself into the port if I leave my computer for a second (e.g. to get something from the printer 2 buildings away) which has, on numerous occasions, caused me to lose data that I’d spent time working on prior. She is a bully! She talks on the phone during my sessions (loudly and disrespectfully) or makes as much noise as possible as best she knows how. She even gets upset when I have a therapy session (note: this is a speech therapy classroom too) when she has a phone conference scheduled. I am not going to tell my kids to go back to class so she can have her meetings every day. There are conference rooms for that. We share a phone too, which can never stay on my desk unless I am using it at that exact moment. Oh, and she uses all of my hand sanitizer when I’m not there (that I purchased with my own money). Okay, now I am nitpicking, I know. Ugh –bully! Some people are so selfish. People here do not work as a team. Did I mention that I am frustrated?

Lets see what else I can bitch about here…..

I also have an ethical concern regarding the services for which the schools here in Duval County are billing Medicaid. There is a new thing on the IEP where we ask parents to authorize that the schools share information about their child’s services to the agency that allows our school to bill Medicaid for services. In many schools, SLPs do the billing sheets themselves to provide documentation for each session being billed for (a.k.a. PROOF that that kid received therapy that day). I don’t do billing. I keep daily logs and attendance records for each kid I see, but nobody in the county sees those records but me. How do they know if a particular child received 60 minutes of therapy each week? There have been MANY instances when I was not able to pull my kids because of MRT & RtI meetings, school-wide testing, changes in resource schedules, absences and many other reasons. I am going to have to ask someone higher up about this issue because the people I have asked seem to be of no help. All the district wants is more money, more money, and more money. They don’t want to discharge students because they want money for the services. TERRIBLE!!!!! UNETHICAL!!!!!! I think that because they are such a huge county, they think they can get away with anything. I don’t agree with this. I am discharging students left and right (for instance, a kid who speaks Spanish and rolls his /r/ and /l/ sounds –duh, dialectical! Or little African American kids who say “skreet” for street –also dialectical). I can’t justify keeping them in therapy just for money. Nope not gonna happen with me.

Also, the discipline system in the elementary school is lacking tremendously. They discourage writing referrals (it’s pretty much a NO-NO) at Brentwood. I’m assuming this is because it makes the school look bad to have so many referrals when they are a turn-around school already being monitored closely. Hello! –wouldn’t misbehaving, distracting, violent, disobedient kids who are consequently failing in the classrooms because they have no discipline and don’t know how to sit still or listen to a teacher, let alone keep from distracting other students, make the school look bad? We had a first grader verbally threaten to shoot and kill another child and his family while pointing his finger and “pulling the trigger” in the boy’s face. Consequences: yep, you guessed it, none. The teacher expressed concerns and reported it but was told not to write a referral for the child. We also have kids making sexual advances toward other students (yes, in elementary school), and even though parents come in and complain, practically nothing is being done about it. It is a dangerous area of town, filled with violence, and these kids are continuing the cycle. Sad. Very sad.

I am so ready for a break after this week. Bring on Christmas!!!!

Home Is Where the Heart Is

I felt I was spinning my wheels
Before too long the road was calling
I packed everything I own
So sure that I was leaving this small town life behind for good
And not a single tear was falling
It took leaving for me to understand
Sometimes your dreams just aren't what life has planned....

As you can probably gather, I am more homesick than EVER right now. I am sure that, for the most part, my emotions are a whirlwind as a result of the holidays and previous time spent with the people I love. I did enjoy my Thanksgiving break and everything that accompanied it: great food, great people, and great times. The only problem: It didn't last long enough. My time at home reminded me of what I left behind to begin this journey of "figuring out myself" and start my career. Every trip home seems to further widen the gap between where my heart and where my head are. Alas, I am beginning to think that I might not be happy with any decision I make if I am making it alone. The new found independence I have recently acquired cannot be defined by the fact that I can do things by myself, handle situations by myself, and make decisions by myself. I have been able to achieve all of the above before even moving down here. I don't need to live far away to be independent. Gosh, I had it all wrong. Although the move helped me to realize all of these things. I have much more time for thinking these days. I have much more appreciation for my lifetime of experiences -something that cannot be replaced with beaches, shopping malls, theaters, or bars. I cannot enjoy these things without the people I care about. Quite frankly, I don't want to anymore.

I do want to travel. I have a ginormous list of places I want to visit and things I want to see. I plan to do that regardless of where I choose to live. I thought that moving away from home would give me that "travel" feel, but I was wrong. I found a routine, in my cozy apartment, and I stick to it. I love that aspect of my life, actually. I love coming home in the evening to my dog and vegging out on the couch, reading a book or watching tv. This is just something I don't need to live in Florida or California to do.

Where do I go next? Well, I have a few options (actually tons, but I've narrowed it down)... and now I am trying to sort, analyze, justify, and pinpoint what I want and don't want to do. I've begun to make a list: pros and cons. However, the list is a #3ijboahue&*bhjerio"x of information all tangled up in a web that I'm still running circles around. I know, I know -I still have time to decide. But....time flies. My company will be looking for me to choose a location (if I stay with them) in only a few months. The other 2 companies I have talked to will also be contacting me again after the first of the year. Then, my uncle offered me a pretty sweet deal that I might be silly to pass up. I don't know.

Options: I have mentioned moving to Lake Norman (Charlotte, NC) area or Knoxville (ish) TN which I could easily get a contracted position through EBS, Sunbelt, or PediaStaff. Pro: the benefits with these companies are great, as you guys already know. There are many pros to taking a job with one of these companies. The biggest Con, however, is that they will place me in a school. Period. They tell you that there is a possibility that there may be a position with Early Intervention or other pediatric opportunities, but ultimately that is only a dream. Schools hire these companies because there are SO MANY of them, and large school districts (like the one I am currently working in, or like the areas I am considering moving to) never have enough SLPs wanting to be directly hired into the school system. They need these staffing companies to offer higher pay so that they can provide enough therapists for every school in the county. Therefore, they will never place us (as in the ones lower on the totem pole with fewer years of experience) anywhere except in the schools. Don't get me wrong, I love my job in the schools... but like I have stated in previous posts, I am not challenged enough. This is not my passion. Early Intervention is where I want to stick my foot. Con: Since I am contracted, I am on hourly pay and therefore do not get paid for the hours I don't work. This means I have no job or income in the summer (not to mention holidays, eek). Pro: My uncle is now the director of special ed in Logan County and has already promised to hire me for Birth to Three starting in June! YAY! Thank God, since my car payment doesn't stop with my paychecks once the school year ends. This will allow me to actually start doing what I want to do!!!!!!!!! I know we all have to start somewhere, and we don't always get the job we want right off the bat. I am just blessed that this opportunity is arising so soon.

Okay. Now this leads us to my third option: Home. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am actually considering moving back home. Don't worry -I'm not going to make another rash (impulsive) decision while my emotions are flaring, but I am putting the option in my bag and shaking it up a bit. I literally have spent most of my life trying to run away from the place that holds my heart and am just now realizing it. I think I was running away from things that I felt had been holding me back when, in reality, nothing has held me back. If that were the case, I wouldn't be where I am today. The only thing holding me back is fear and uncertainty. There I go with that cycle again (refer to my very first post). Perhaps I felt that home wasn't good enough for me. Perhaps my head grew to be too big for the little town that taught me most of what I know and love... and for the people in that town. In trying to find me, I believe I have lost sight of who I always knew I was. Hmmmm. Nothing like a wake up call, huh?

Now with this option, I have written down a few pros and cons. Con (in the form of questions): Will I be giving up on what I set out to do? Will I be settling too soon? I don't know. Pro: Full access to my friends and family is the biggest pro. The opportunity of working in Birth to Three not only for the summer but permanently -on the side while working in the schools. There's a happy medium, right? Also, my uncle offered me the same deal he did for my sister -he will freeze my student loans, and if I work in the state of WV for 4-5 years they will be completely forgiven (zip, wiped away, gone). Although I don't complain about my student loans, considering I brought them upon myself and spent it all, not on tuition, but on spoiling myself and enjoying 7 years of college, it would be nice to never have to pay that LARGE sum of money back!!! Pretty sweet. I don't know what to do at this point other than to keep adding to my list and asking for advice. Ultimately, it is my decision. I still need advice. Opinions and/or tips anyone?

I can't wait for Christmas when I can be home with my family again. It is coming up very soon, and I am going to make the most of it. Right after I cruise to the Bahamas!!! That's right. My supervisor, Stacie, and I booked a 3 night cruise that will take us to Cococay Island and Nassau Dec. 18th-21st. I plan to come home either that night or the next day. Depends on how tired I am after the cruise. We are both very excited. We just couldn't pass up the rates and the fact that we have convenient access to a few ports down here in the sunshine state. I'll be sure to take plenty of pics, of course. Thanks for taking the time to follow along with my vent-fest. I love and miss you ALL. For now, I'm off to dream. <3

.....Mama said home is where the heart is
When I left that town