God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand His wisdom, but we simply have to trust His will. –Psalm 37:5
We’ve all heard the phrase, “Timing is everything.” I am starting to understand this in a whole new light these days. Thinking back on all the dreams and ambitions I’ve had throughout my life, I have been able to accomplish way more than I ever set forth for myself. I always dreamt that I’d go many places, which I have. I always dreamt that I’d get a college degree, which I got two. I always dreamt that I’d have a career that I loved, which I do. I’d always dreamt that I’d make my family proud, which I feel I have. I always dreamt that I’d take good care of myself, both physically and emotionally, which for the most part I have. I’d always dreamt that I’d find a man to love and who loved me back just as much, which I have found much more than that. I always dreamt that I’d have a gorgeous wedding with all the people I love in attendance, which I couldn’t have asked for anything more on our wedding day. I’d always dreamt of having children of my own to love and cherish like my mother loved me…. Well, this is the part I am struggling with…. THIS…. Well… this has been difficult for me.
After “inactively” trying for a little while to get pregnant, and it didn’t happen, we began to “actively” try… still no pregnancy. I then began to realize that I might have some sort of problem. After a few doctor’s visits and tests, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which is way more common than I realized at the time. Because of my PCOS and its severity, my body does not ovulate or produce eggs, making it difficult (and some months impossible) to get pregnant on my own. I also had an HSG ultrasound that showed that my fallopian tubes were partially blocked, but the doctor was able to clear them. I didn’t understand because I have always taken good care of my body. This was all devastating news for me because I always believed that once I decided I was ready to have a baby, I would just make it happen. Now, I’m realizing that it’s not that simple. Now, it’s ALL about “timing”.
We decided to go the route of trying the fertility drugs, so the doc put me on Clomid 50mg to start out. This was supposed to help me ovulate. The “timing” of this medication is crutial, so I took it cd (cycle days) 5-9, estradiol cd10-14, & progesterone cd15-BFN (big fat negative) pregnancy test. I had an ultrasound cd 12 which showed that the clomid did not work. Sound confusing? Oh, it is! Let’s add in the ovulation tests, basal body temps, & other fun things I get to do on a daily basis. The process is rather consuming to say the least.
The doc then upped the dosage of Clomid to 100mg the next month, and I repeated the same cycle days & 3 medications precisely. The ultrasound showed 2-3 mature follicles, and I got a positive ovulation test; however, we got another devastating BFN. I did the same thing… 100mg of Clomid, estradiol, progesterone, and scheduled ultrasounds (to monitor my follicles for overstimulation and to prevent myself from becoming the next OctoMOM, lol…. The meds increase my chance of having multiples) for another two months. Repeated BFNs. On my fifth and sixth rounds of Clomid, we added an HCG trigger injection (Novarel 10,000 units) to trigger ovulation after scheduled ultrasounds. Also, I changed Clomid days to cd3-7 on that last round. I thought for sure that this would work, but alas another BFN last month. I can honestly say that I’ve never experienced more heartbreak in my entire life than what I’ve experienced over the past several months. I cannot put into words how I feel every time I see a negative pregnancy test. I know there are so many women out there who experience this same pain and disappointment, and my heart goes out to them. I am a strong person, but this has been breaking me down. I’m sure that all the hormones that have been pumped into my body for the past, well, however long, do not help with the emotional stability.... or should I say instability.?. Basically, I am a hot mess! Poor Jason has had to put up with me and all this mess!
We went back to the doc last week, and my doc has referred me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in Louisville, KY for possible IVF (in vetro fertilzation). I have an appointment on April 18th, which is only a few weeks away. While we “wait,” however, the doc went ahead and put me on one last round of Clomid 100mg cd 3-7, paired with Metformin 500mg 3x/day. I’ll continue with the estradiol and progesterone as well as the HCG trigger shot. Maybe the Metformin will be the magic potion, but we shall see. I really hate to get my hopes up anymore because I hate being let down. However, I can’t always be negative either… that’ll do me no good.
My insurance does not cover the cost of infertility, so this has already been quite an expense for us. I know it’ll all be worth it in the end, but it’s hard to see that light right now. I do not handle disappointment very well (who does?), and I have noticed myself becoming more and more self-absorbed and selfish these days. Hormones, hello!?! Jason and I wanted to keep it a secret when we were first trying to get pregnant because we wanted to surprise our friends and family with the good news. It hasn’t been that easy for us. It’s becoming more and more of a struggle not to talk about everything we’ve been going through, and I’ve shut people out. I don’t want to do that anymore. I am hoping that by writing again that I will find some peace of mind. I used my blog in the past as a form of therapy, did a lot of soul searching, and learned a lot about myself in the process. I want to start blogging about my experience with infertility, hopefully I’ll get to read this back one day soon and realize how lucky I am. I’ll use this as a constant reminder of how strong I still am and all the trials I’ve overcome. This is just a test, and I will pass it.
I’ve learned a lot about patience thus far. Mostly that I don’t have any, lol. Seriously, though, I know that this is God’s plan and not mine. I have to stand still and let Him move, and all will fall into place for us. That doesn’t mean it won’t be hard or that I won’t have to feel pain along the way, but I know that God will bring us through it. I’ve been praying a lot, and I hope that whoever reads this will pray for us as well. To be honest, I have neglected my blog over the past year because I wasn't ready to "talk about" what was really on my mind. I have avoided a lot of people and a lot of conversations. I think I'm ready now. And hopefully our story will touch and inspire someone else in the long run. If this helps other people, then it'll all be worth it. I'll try to keep you updated.
Hopefully I will read this again one day soon and let out a big sigh of relief:
“Your journey has molded you for the greater good. It was exactly what it needed to be. Don’t think you’ve lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time”.
