Brief News

So I thought I would go ahead and write a quick post to let everyone know that I did get my other assignment today, and I will be working at J.E.B. Stuart Middle School 2 days/week. It is a farther away from my apartment (~30 miles) as opposed to Brentwood (13.5 miles), but at least it's only twice a week. I will be going there most likely on Tuesdays and Thursdays (starting tomorrow) but that may change after scheduling clients. I'm not sure if I will enjoy working with the middle school population, but I am willing to give it a shot! At least I will be getting some different experience this first year and will know more of what I want and do not want to do for my next assignments. I'm keeping an open mind. On the positive side of it....I get to sleep in later those 2 days!!! Middle schools don't start until 9:45a.m. here -where the elementary schools start at 8:30! Now that's sweet! I will, of course, have to stay later those days, but it will totally be worth it considering I love to sleep as late as possible in the mornings. I will keep you posted on how the job goes.

That's all for now. I'm going to enjoy the delicious tea I got from St. Augustine & get some sleep. Big day tomorrow. G'nite!

Hey, Life is Good Today

Well, I can stop whining about the unknown and finally enjoy the beginning of this great, new adventure! I don't know why I continue to get worked up over things, when it's exactly like people say (and I tell myself repeatedly, believe me) that everything will work out. Yes, it does. It's just the torturous cycle of worry that gets me every time. I LOVE-LOVE-LOVE the school I am working at 3 days/week. It is a turn-around school, which means that they are working on rebuilding a good educational system for the kids in that area, which I don’t think was the case prior. It's not in the nicest area of town (actually, it's kinda scary - on the North side), and there are minimal resources for me to work with (when I say minimal, I actually mean none). It’s also a magnet school –a performing arts academy where they combine academics with music, dance, and art. It’s perfect for me. The principal is wonderful, the teachers are wonderful, the resource specialists are all wonderful, and I'm sure the kids will be wonderful as well. I am working on getting my "office" ready and somewhat organized. It is a cluttered storage room that would send any claustrophobic person over the edge, but they are slowly moving crap out so I can turn it into a therapy room. There is something exciting about that transformation -I think partly because I have the opportunity to start from scratch (like I feel I am doing with most other aspects of my life at the moment) and make it my own. I am still getting used to the fact that I am the therapist now (not the student) and that I make decisions. It is WEIRD but fabulous. What I cannot get used to is being called Ms. Stillwell. Gosh, I laugh out loud (literally) every time someone calls me that. It’s just odd. Makes me feel old! ☺

I haven’t received my caseload list yet because everybody in the office is new & still having to enroll kids …the counselor is new, many teachers are new, I am new. Normally I would freak out at such in unstructured environment, but I’m feeling just the opposite. It actually gives me a sense of home and comfort. I’m surprisingly not overwhelmed (yet) because everyone is learning & trying to get things in order –not just me. The school is not perfect. The teachers are not perfect. And I am not expected to be perfect. The only expectation they have for me is to do my job -without perfection–which I am confident I can do.

I feel like a turn-around school will fulfill my desire to help people in a warm way because I will be providing services to kids who, as the principal stated, were once “predicted to fail in life.” That sounds like I should be talking to Oprah when I say that, but as cheesy as it sounds, walking into that school each day makes me smile. I need to smile. I deserve to smile. I hope I like my other assignment too. That one is still up in the air at this point. It’s another story in itself, but I’m okay with it for now.


St. Augustine is a beautiful town. It is the oldest town in the U.S. and has a wonderful history. I had the opportunity to meet an old friend there for a day (it’s only about 40 minutes from Jacksonville) and enjoyed it much more than I anticipated. I can’t even begin to describe the best facets of the town other than to say GO SEE IT! Everything there is spectacular, and I can’t wait to take my sister there one day; however, she may never leave. I hadn’t seen my friend Amber since high school. She is now doing an internship at Disney World & said she will get me in for free. That’s exciting considering I’ve never been, and I am the biggest kid ever! It was nice to catch up with her. I’ve also had a lot of fun hanging out with my new friends here in Jax. It makes being here so much better. I actually went surfing at a really neat beach/park with a couple of girls. The tide was too strong, so it would be more accurate to say that we all attempted surfing, haha. We had a great time doing so, though. I also LOVE my CF supervisor, Stacie. She has been tremendously helpful thus far. I knew I was going to like her when I showed up at her condo, & she put on a pair of pajamas and poured me a glass of wine before helping me with my work. We hung out a few nights this weekend and had a blast!!!! She doesn’t know anybody in the area –she moved her from Atlanta –so we will spend a lot of time together, I’m sure. She’s a ball of fun. YaY again for friends!


Random comment: I love the half-popped popcorn kernels at the bottom of the bag! Yeah, they are crunchy & delicious. That’s all.

When the going gets tough, Keep going!

This week has been a much needed enjoyment for me. Lots of good things happened toward the end of the week -of course after the frustration with my job subsided. I didn't find out my placement until Thursday, but at least I found out! Breaking news: I will be working at Brentwood Elementary 3 days/week (about 20-25 minutes from my apartment)... and another elementary school the other 2 days. I will find the other one out this week. I discovered that I go for training & orientation on Wednesday (which is what I really needed to know), which generated a great big sigh of relief. I'm well on my way. In other news: I made a few friends! I got to hang out with an old friend (Josh) and his girlfriend (Laura) who are both from WV. Josh & I grew up in the same neighborhood as kids. Laura actually knew Lacie! I met them in Riverside -where they live -and we went to dinner (I had some great seafood) & then to a late night movie. It was an old theatre that shows old movies on Fridays at midnight, how cool is that!?! We saw Fight Club (I'd never seen it). The theatre is very old & has tables & chairs in it...& even church pews in the front! They serve pizza & beer too. Very neat. It was liberating just to be in a different atmosphere. I know I haven't been down here long, but due to lack of friends I've gotten in a routine of going to the same places, doing the same things. That's what's so great about Jacksonville -the area is SO big that you get a different feel depending on where you go. Riverside was picturesque -with antique shops and vintage stores -and bars where you could bring your beer outside and sit at a table on the sidewalk (without being caged in or chased out the door for having a drink in your hand) and enjoy the weather. Oh, and the bonus is the NO SMOKING policy in the bars -woo hoo! It definitely made me feel more like I was in a smaller town rather than the big city. The people were very personable there too. It was a fun night & good to have friends around. We have made plans to go to a Florida Gators game on September 12th (my dad will be going too, yay!) in addition to a Jaguars game on September 20th. I'm pumped for football! Speaking of football, I am excited to have someone to watch the Marshall games with this season! I met with the Marshall Alumni Association of Jacksonville today for lunch. It was more of a meet and greet rather than worrying about planning or business, although they did talk a bit about upcoming events & such. There were 8 of us there (and a half if you count the 15 month old cutie in the high chair), and everyone was super friendly. I actually knew a couple of the people there...talk about small world!!! I had class with one of them (Bob) in undergrad & remembered the other one from games. He (Chris) didn't miss a single game (home or away) while he was at MU! Now that is dedication to the team! He also hung out with some of the guys I cheered with. He invited me to go watch a golf tourny with him today, but I was tired. Lame, I know. I went to bed at like 4am because my sleep schedule is off-whack due to my lack of responsibilities at the moment (in addition to repeated drunk calls/texts from friends back home, which I'm not complaining about) & got up early for church this morning. I've been sleeping in late every single day. Anyway, most of us are planning to go to the Suns baseball game this Thursday, so that should be fun! We are going to be getting together to watch the games and some other events. Yay for friends! I sound desperate, but I am a people person. That's just me. You can't be a people person without people! :) Plus, it'll be nice to get back into the Marshall spirit even though I am not in Huntington anymore. We will be doing our own tailgating here. I enjoyed the time that I cheered, and this will bring back some of those memories (and create new ones). Besides, I sort of neglected the team during graduate school considering I had approximately zero time to go to the games. I think I went to three games after I stopped cheering (one each year). That's pathetic, I know! Time to pep it back up. GO HERD!!!

When in doubt, sing loud!

Oh, my doubtful ways. I have entirely too much time to think these days. I am second guessing every decision I have made in the past several months. I have a bad feeling, and I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it's just anxiety, maybe it's uncertainty, maybe it's loneliness, maybe it's that I do less talking & more thinking resulting in me OVERanalyzing the tiniest details of information (and lack there of), maybe it's the overwhelming amount of change in my life, maybe it's all of the above. I don't really know. Although, how do you ever really know whether you've made the right choices or not if you don't question yourself? I consider doubt to be an element of faith as opposed to its opposite. I do hate that the only thing that is keeping me down here (my job) is the one thing that is stressing me out. I am very disappointed in how my company has made all of these promises to me, and they have left me in the dark about everything. They have not told me a start date (I assume that it is August 17th after Googling Duval County Schools -when teachers start work). EBS has not told me when or where I will be working. They told me the name of my CF supervisor, but they haven't given me any contact information for her whatsoever. They told me that I will have this big support system in Jacksonville, but I have been given no contacts of anyone at all. They told me that because I signed on so early with them that I would have first pick on placements...and as of today (August 12th) I don't even have a placement. This is beyond frustrating. It is ridiculous. It is stressful. It is breaking me. I am seriously trying with everything in me to remain optimistic, but I am having a difficult time maintaining that positive attitude at this point. I carry my phone around all day, waiting on that call. Needless to say, I'm still waiting. I've emailed my HR...and all he has said is, "We are working on finalizing your assignment. I will be in touch." Ugh. Yeah, I realize that, but I need to know something now. I guess this isn't how I pictured everything happening down here. It's way different. Hopefully, it will only get better from here.

I am a lot healthier now. I will be meeting with my personal trainer starting Monday evening. Running on the beach is absolutely amazing. It's much easier to breathe (now that we've had some evenings without rain), and the view, of course, is breathtaking. Not only am I running and working out, but I'm eating better. For all of you who know me well, you'd be proud to learn that I have only eaten out one time since I've been down here (I picked up a sub at Quizno's because it was late that evening). Although I have lost weight, I am cooking and eating 3 meals every single day in addition to lots of popcorn & popsicles. I use the grill frequently & fix chicken, shrimp, fish, grilled veggies, etc. I'm getting a lot more protein now than usual considering I rarely ate meat in the past. I actually enjoy cooking & eating in -although I hate sitting at my dining room table by myself. I still cry in my cereal bowl every morning, LOL. Then I go out into the sunshine & the day is automatically brighter (literally & figuratively). I just want to fast forward through time.....or rewind and change my decisions. I don't know what I'd change it to, but I'd change it. I don't know whether or not to interpret this as regret or simply confusion. Maybe it's both. I'd definitely have to include the latter. I don't know what to think anymore. Oh gosh, I'm rambling. I'm tired. Wait, scratch that. I'm exhausted. Goodnight world.


“Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt" -William Shakespeare.

Solitude

I am still adjusting to my life here in Florida, and I have quite a ways to go. I think it will be better once I start working in a couple of weeks. Things are looking up in terms of getting stuff done for my job: I finally got my FL state provisional license in the mail as well as fingerprints & a badge made (not cheap here) for teacher certification and to be allowed on school grounds. I am anxiously (and not so much patiently anymore since I accepted this job back in December) awaiting my assignment. I should hopefully find out Monday. I hope that gives me enough time to get materials needed to do assessments and such. I am honestly trying my best to keep the "everything will work out" attitude about the job, but 20% of me is nervous that something might go wrong. I just have to trust my company. It's just crazy that school starts on the 19th, and I won't find out anything until after the 10th. I haven't met my CF supervisor or had any sort of orientation. YIKES, I don't like this. I am a planner. This isn't a good situation for a planner, hahaha. Oh boy.

On the brighter side, I am adjusting better to the life of solitude. Not good, but better. I'd like to give a shout out to all of the perks that have aided in this adjustment: First and foremost, I'd like to thank the USA channel for the 2-day Law & Order SVU marathons in addition to my DVR for allowing me to record the episodes and watch them at my own pace. I stretched the marathon out to at least 3 days worth of television! This is my favorite show, for sure. I'm also thankful for Big Brother season 11 and how it is on 3 days per week. This gives me something to look forward to every couple of days! Next I'd like to say how awesome the $1 movie rentals are at the grocery stores! Speaking of groceries...I discovered the Fresh Market and World Market = amazing!!! I will be getting just about all of my food there. They have the best fruits, veggies, seafood, nuts, breads, CHEESE, spices, everything fresh! They have my favorite wine too (Mascato Di-Asti) and the best organic chai tea I've ever made at home. I've been extremely grateful for the wine and chai in the evenings. It's relaxing. So is the hot tub and swims at night. Our pool has a 10pm curfew, but they don't really care how late you stay out there as long as you're quiet. Oh -and I must say that the thing that is most worth being here is the two free massages I get every month. I had my first one yesterday, and it was nice. It was raining outside which made it even better. I then went to Starbucks to read (I spent hours at Books a Million, so I bought a few new books to get me started).



Today, I went downtown to see Jacksonville's Favorite Oak tree at Jessie DuPont Park. It was very cool. I then went to the beach and read for a little while. It was nice, but I wish I had someone there with me. I don't like it by myself. I left before it started to rain. It has rained every day, which makes it impossible to make plans to do anything outside in the evenings. I've been wanting to go for a run on the beach in the evening, but I haven't been able to due to the repetitive rain. I hear the fall months will be perfect for running, so I look forward to that.



I helped my friend Kelli book a flight down here. She will be here on August 27th for the weekend. I will be SO happy to have her here. I booked my dad a flight on September 10th, and he will be here for 5 days. I am already counting down the days. Then I get to go home a couple weeks after that for Lacie's wedding, yay! I’ve been so caught up in the excitement of moving and starting my job that I didn’t realize how homesick I would be. I never felt this way out in California –and I was across the country. I guess that’s because I knew I was going back at the end of the Summer. I don’t know what will happen now. I just have to tough it up. I talked to my friend Kayla today (who begged me to move down here) and her mother-in-law just moved back to WV….which means she for sure won’t be moving to FL. I hate it. It doesn’t seem fair to me. If this doesn’t teach me the reality of “independence” I don’t know what will. I need to base my decisions on what I want and not what other people want. Yet, I don’t know what I want. It is complicated. Things will work out. Yes, they will. Faith. Faith. Faith. I must end by pointing out to myself that solitude is change, and like I said in the title of one of my previous posts, "Change is Good."

Big world, Little girl.

Hello real world, where'd you come from, and how'd you get here so fast? There's nothing like growing up and realizing that you are being forced to do it faster than you would like. I'm not ready for the big world yet. I'm still a little girl, haha. The move went well, and I am officially living in Florida now. I was so fortunate to have a friend here with me the first week, but I wish she didn't have to leave. This was my first day here by myself, and I already feel lonelier than ever. I need friends here, and I need them fast. Don't get me wrong -I will enjoy some time by myself...but not all of my time. I've never lived alone before much less live alone in a place where I know not a soul. It's gonna be a rough couple of weeks. I've already cried 6 times today. God, I hope this feeling surpasses quickly because I hate it.

I did find a church this morning. I hope to find one here that will be comfortable and a place I can call "home" but I know that may take time. I went to Eastside Community Church, and people were very nice there. I actually talked to a woman who has a 5 year old son with autism who receives speech therapy in Duval county schools -which is where I will be working. The problem is that I still do not know which school(s). That's another story in itself which adds to my frustration and uneasy feelings at the moment. I won't know anything until after the 10th, and I'm pretty sure I will start working on the 19th. What, so that means I have approximately one week to prepare? Yep, looks that way. Dang it. I'm not a fan of the Florida board of education at the moment. I could go on and on about this situation because like I said, it's a story in itself. I shall move on.

I'm sounding very negative, I realize, but there are some positive things as well. I finally got to go down to Jacksonville Landing the other day, and it was awesome. They had live music right on the river with a fabulous view. The bridges were all lit up, and it was a relaxing environment. I'll definitely revisit sometime soon -that is when I find a friend.



On my way back from taking Holly to the airport this morning in Orlando (we left at 3am because it's a 2 hour drive), I stopped at Daytona Beach to watch the sunrise. It was beautiful. I spread some of mom's ashes there too...I try to do that wherever I go! It has rained every single evening since I've been down here except yesterday. It's been pretty during the day then rained in the evenings. I decided to go for a run today, but I totally got defeated by the humidity. Bad idea. The humidity is brutal down here. Needless to say I will get a lot more use out of my treadmill now! Oh, and I will be working with a personal trainer starting next week. I can get exercise swimming at night as well. Don't know what else to do with myself but workout, read, and play my guitar. This is gonna be a long year.