When in doubt, sing loud!

Oh, my doubtful ways. I have entirely too much time to think these days. I am second guessing every decision I have made in the past several months. I have a bad feeling, and I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it's just anxiety, maybe it's uncertainty, maybe it's loneliness, maybe it's that I do less talking & more thinking resulting in me OVERanalyzing the tiniest details of information (and lack there of), maybe it's the overwhelming amount of change in my life, maybe it's all of the above. I don't really know. Although, how do you ever really know whether you've made the right choices or not if you don't question yourself? I consider doubt to be an element of faith as opposed to its opposite. I do hate that the only thing that is keeping me down here (my job) is the one thing that is stressing me out. I am very disappointed in how my company has made all of these promises to me, and they have left me in the dark about everything. They have not told me a start date (I assume that it is August 17th after Googling Duval County Schools -when teachers start work). EBS has not told me when or where I will be working. They told me the name of my CF supervisor, but they haven't given me any contact information for her whatsoever. They told me that I will have this big support system in Jacksonville, but I have been given no contacts of anyone at all. They told me that because I signed on so early with them that I would have first pick on placements...and as of today (August 12th) I don't even have a placement. This is beyond frustrating. It is ridiculous. It is stressful. It is breaking me. I am seriously trying with everything in me to remain optimistic, but I am having a difficult time maintaining that positive attitude at this point. I carry my phone around all day, waiting on that call. Needless to say, I'm still waiting. I've emailed my HR...and all he has said is, "We are working on finalizing your assignment. I will be in touch." Ugh. Yeah, I realize that, but I need to know something now. I guess this isn't how I pictured everything happening down here. It's way different. Hopefully, it will only get better from here.

I am a lot healthier now. I will be meeting with my personal trainer starting Monday evening. Running on the beach is absolutely amazing. It's much easier to breathe (now that we've had some evenings without rain), and the view, of course, is breathtaking. Not only am I running and working out, but I'm eating better. For all of you who know me well, you'd be proud to learn that I have only eaten out one time since I've been down here (I picked up a sub at Quizno's because it was late that evening). Although I have lost weight, I am cooking and eating 3 meals every single day in addition to lots of popcorn & popsicles. I use the grill frequently & fix chicken, shrimp, fish, grilled veggies, etc. I'm getting a lot more protein now than usual considering I rarely ate meat in the past. I actually enjoy cooking & eating in -although I hate sitting at my dining room table by myself. I still cry in my cereal bowl every morning, LOL. Then I go out into the sunshine & the day is automatically brighter (literally & figuratively). I just want to fast forward through time.....or rewind and change my decisions. I don't know what I'd change it to, but I'd change it. I don't know whether or not to interpret this as regret or simply confusion. Maybe it's both. I'd definitely have to include the latter. I don't know what to think anymore. Oh gosh, I'm rambling. I'm tired. Wait, scratch that. I'm exhausted. Goodnight world.


“Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt" -William Shakespeare.