Square One

Well kids, it kinda looks like I am back to square one -although not completely. I learned a lot about myself this past weekend. I am starting to look at my life a little differently now, and I'm starting to weigh the things that are and are not important to me. I will start with the things I learned about myself (that I kinda knew before but never fully considered the extent to which it affected my life & the choices I've made):

1.) I am IMPULSIVE. How could I not see the extent to this before? I bought Colby Jack on impulse -yes I knew that -and didn't have time to take care of him. I accepted the first job offer I got (not counting the job offer in California because it was offered the summer before completing graduate school) without even looking at other options. I agreed to move to Jacksonville immediately when my best friend told me she wanted me to. I impulsively bought a new car the day I went to test drive it -then come to find out I could have gotten the same car for a better deal in Logan. I impulsively bought Arnie at a pet store (when I really shouldn't have spent that kind of money right away) although I just went to "look" at puppies. This is one impulsive decision I, however, DO NOT regret at all. I impulsively tell people I will do things before even thinking about it and either end up having to do it to keep my obligation or break an obligation which I never feel good about. I act on impulse quite too often and rarely make a pros & cons list to weigh the odds. What the heck? I need to change that STAT.

2.) I am PASSIVE. This is something I have known for a long time. It has come back to bite me in the butt on numerous occasions; however, I am really starting to think about and realize the extent of how that trait has affected me. I think that my passivity gives me a weapon to act on impulse. There are things in life that I stress over and the rest is unnecessary in my mind, so I don't care. I mean, you all know that I freak out (on impulse) if something happens unexpectedly, and I live off of other people's drama. But the little things that I should care about have never gotten to me. I don't fully think through situations because I am naive and passive and don't care most of the time -always believing that things will work out for the best (after the minor freak outs, of course). Well, my friends, sometimes things don't always work out on their own. We gotta make it happen -actively! I believe that my passive trait contributes to the fact that I am still single as well -I am always giving and giving and giving, doing and doing and doing, and then sitting around -waiting and guessing and feeling like I never know what's going on. Story of my life. I could go on and on about how my passivity has kicked me in the butt, but I won't.

3.) I gain FAITH and go to church every day -in my own life experiences. I have grown more in my faith over the past few months than I did sitting in church for many many years. This may sound bad to some, but to me -it's spiritually uplifting. I grew up going to church every week, never missing a Sunday unless it was an emergency. I found a church here that I like, but it's not "home" to me. I find myself sitting there, daydreaming, and crying internally because I feel like I am one of those people I always judged because they were "Sunday Christians" who came to church every week but never showed an ounce of faith or Christianity in their lives. When I am sitting in that church, I feel like I am sitting there because it is expected. Expected of whom? I don't know. Expected of myself -I believe. I have lately come to find faith in the ocean, in the trees, in the sun, in the wind, in the people walking by me on the sidewalk who stop to say hello, or the man in the Publix parking lot who almost fell down before I helped him put his shoe back on. As cliche as this sounds, I am learning more about faith and prayer through experience and my surroundings than I do while sitting in church on Sunday mornings. This scares me a bit because it is not what I know.

The things that are NOT important to me:
1.) The beach is NOT important to me.
2.) A huge place to live with lots of activities and things to do are NOT important to me.
3.) Meeting new people and making new friends -this is great, and something I'm completely grateful for -but NOT important to me.
4.) Having a job that pays a whole lot of money is NOT important to me.

The things that ARE important to me:
1.) My family is important to me. I cannot stand to be so far away from them.
2.) My friends, not just any friends, but the people who share my life -memories, inside jokes, experiences that nobody new in the world will ever be able to understand or relate to or laugh/cry about with me. I have been fortunate to have found the most amazing people that I can call friends, and I didn't realize how difficult it would be to replace those relationships. It is not only difficult; it's impossible. Who am I kidding to think that I can find friends some place that will make me feel any more like "ME" than the friends back home? God, I miss them. I don't want to live this far away from them and miss more weddings, anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, etc. It is difficult having to miss things that are important to me.
3.) My career is important to me. I love the job that I have, but it is easy. I have rarely been known to settle for easy. I don't feel challenged with my job at all. It is hard for me to say that because the job I have now has been super easy for me to adjust, and I feel comfortable doing it -but it doesn't challenge me. I don't feel good about what I did at the end of the day. To be honest, I rarely even have to think at work because artic therapy comes naturally to me. The only challenge that comes with my current job is to deal with my emotions in tough (environmental) situations. I can say that I never wake up dreading work, and I never go home in a bad mood. But when I go to sleep at night, I don't get that feeling of accomplishment. Again, this is only my CFY so I have plenty of time to go from here. I am just realizing early on that I need to be challenged -which is why I have already started looking for other jobs for next year (not to mention I need something for the summer because my impulsivity caused me to accept a job that didn't pay during the summer nor give me an option of extended pay.

On this continuous journey of finding myself, I am discovering that maybe I want to be closer to home. I don't want to move back home, but I want to be close enough to see people as often as I want without having to consider whether or not I can afford it or have to take a day off (without pay) to make a trip. This is why I am looking into the Charlotte, NC area. I need to find a happy medium. I am not unhappy. I am still enjoying Jacksonville, and I do not regret my decision to move down here. I am actually still LOVING Jacksonville, and the newness hasn't completely worn off yet. I guess I can say that my decision to move to Florida helped keep me from moving all the way across the country, lol. I just know that I have never appreciated West Virginia more than now. I have spent my whole life waiting to get out of the state -when in all honesty part of me longs to be there again. I am not going to move back to WV right now because I need to do what I set out to do, but I need to be close enough to go HOME. What will happen in the future is still "unknown" -but again, that leaves room for possibilities. Until then, I'm gonna continue finding Me.