Hurry up, June!

You know what's crazy? ....It is Sunday again, already! Oh, where do the days/weeks go anymore??? The past couple of weeks started out really well, and I am happier than ever with my decision to prance my way over to the west coast here shortly. I hear the licensure process in CA is brutal, so I have to plan early. Good for me, since I love to plan -especially when I am this excited to move! I also need to be out of my apartment by the end of May to avoid paying rent past my lease, so I have to look into moving companies and apartments to have everything moved by then. I am going to stay with my supervisor Stacie for a couple of weeks after until my assignment here is up. And, God, help me -that can't come soon enough after the crimes happening at my elementary school lately. Last Thursday, the guidance counselor's car was broken into. Somebody shot a gun through the windshield three times and threw a brick through the passenger side window, destroying the dashboard & steering wheel. And to beat it all, they did all of this for a darn diaper bag. I guess they thought it was a purse. Anyway, on Friday, someone followed one of our second grade teachers up the front stairs to the front door and held a shotgun to her head and demanded her purse. He was wearing a ski mask. Holy cow, I would have literally pissed myself had that been me. You can't survive a shotgun. Hell, I wouldn't want to survive a shotgun. Ah, so scary. Needless to say, I am terrified to walk to and from my car and into work now. Like beyond terrified. I am not programmed to handle situations like this. I work in the worst possible area of this huge city. Awesome. I got some pepper spray, but I hope I never have to use it. Hurry up, June!

Moving right along. My friends, Laura & Josh, just moved into my apartment complex which is awesome. We will get to hang out a lot more. I'm looking forward to our Superbowl Party we are planning. It should be fun. Also in the works: my sister and possibly my dad are trying to plan a trip down here for Spring Break when we will finally get our chance to go to Disney World. I've held off on going because that's something we've wanted to do together. I hope my dad gets to come too. Jenn & I have the same week off which will work out nicely. I may actually try to plan a trip out to San Diego for a few days then too. We shall see.

I can't post without talking about my dog (a.k.a. my child). Arnie has really made a breakthrough with this bell ringing thing. He doesn't use it as a toy, like I thought he would, but he nudges it with his nose, stares at me, wags his tail, and waits patiently by the door to be let out -just like I had hoped he would learn to do. AWESOME!!!! However, problem: he wants to go outside 50,000,000 times a day now. He loves it out there. I am being consistent -still showing excitement & taking him out every time he rings it (or else I would defeat the purpose of training him with a bell, ugh), but geez I just want to sit through an entire television show without having to pause it, LOL. Thank God, again, for DVR! Oh, my little boy is entirely too intelligent for his own good. I love him. I took him to a dog park yesterday with a coworker (Danyell) & her husband (Ronnie) & their chihuahua (Beemer). It was nice to let Arnie off of the leash & let him run free. He did so much better than I thought he would, seeing as he likes to approach complete strangers for attention, & he stayed alongside us (well, pretty much) the entire walk through the park. He played & bonded with Beemer which was very cute. As you can see, they became best buds! :)


I love and miss you ALL! Until next time.....

On to the Next!!!

The verdict is in. I have made a decision, that I am for once not second guessing, which entails me moving to San Diego, California after my assignment here in Florida is up. I have done a lot of thinking and flip-flopping of ideas to figure out where I want to go next. I filled out a job application for Logan County Schools and faxed it in.... then immediately had a bad taste in my mouth. Who was I kidding? I don't want to move home. I don't want to give up on what I have dreamed of doing for so many years. I am single. I am young. I have time. I have opportunities to live out. Yes, I miss home. I get homesick often. I miss my family and my friends. Yet, home will ALWAYS be home. Friends will always be friends. Family will always be family. They are all so supportive in wanting me to do what makes me happy. I'm just trying to figure out what that is. So I do this.....

I started looking back at all of my pictures over the past few years. Whoa -there are a lot! That is even an understatement. Anyway, I realized that San Diego is the one place I've been where I didn't spend my time there worrying about where to go next or what to do with my life after I left there. Granted, I knew what I was going back to in only a short period of time: completion of grad school, family, friends, graduation, etc. However, I didn't want to leave. I cried the entire way home and for days after. I actually, in its entirety, enjoyed every moment I spent there. I wondered how I could convince my family and friends that it would be a good idea for me to move there for a job. That is the one place that I was content and was okay with that contentment. (Reference to Lynsey Skagg's post on steering away from contentment. I am the same way.) I was so excited to move down here, and as soon as I got here I was already trying to figure out where to go next. Actually, I was already trying to decide that before I got here since my plans didn't work out as "planned." I realize now that I do not have to convince anyone that it's okay for me to move across the country. I just needed to convince myself. My dad has been more than supportive and encourages me to take every opportunity possible -big or little, near or far. I am so grateful for my family and friends. Like beyond words grateful. And I am okay with a phone call, video chat, message, letter, card, or a visit to or from these great people on holidays/breaks. I will see them or hear from them regardless of where I am in the country!

So, needless to say that I am super excited again. Let the planning begin. Yep, I'm a planner. An anxious and excited planner. I am determined to find that happy place in my life. It is out there somewhere. On to the next! :)

Now for some random tid bits in my life:
Work is great at the elementary school. I still love it. Except that today a 2nd grader (yes, still a baby) was searched and found with a gun toward the end of the school day. The cops, his parents, and social services were all called on the kid. I don't know if the gun was loaded or not. I don't know what happened after that. I got out of there quick. All I know is well, whoa, scary. Holy Cow. :( Is this school year over yet? At the middle school, my bully (the ESE teacher in my classroom) treated me as her personal assistant again -asking me to get up and turn the heat down, open the door for one of her parents coming in, and to get up in the middle of a therapy session to get her an envelope. UGH. I am such a wimp. Why can't I just tell her no. I am not her assistant. Or her child. EEK! Then, she asked me for pain pills when I told her I had a minor surgery. Um, no. Um, hell no. On a brighter note: I did have the IT tech put in another internet port in our room, so we no longer have to share.

I am getting super sleepy and need to get to sleep. I promise to try and become a more loyal blogger and update this thing more than once every couple of weeks. There is plenty more to tell. Until then, I must sleep. Goodnight, all. XoXo

Home for the Holidays

Home for the holidays? Hah! How 'bout the Bahamas for the holidays?!!!? What better way to start a break than to take a cruise with such a fun, open-minded, adventurous human being such as my supervisor and friend Stacie.... Seriously. The cruise lasted 3 nights, which was plenty of time to relax and have a good time. The weather was kinda windy but still a lot warmer than anywhere in the U.S. in mid-December. The coolest part of the ship was seeing all of the Christmas decorations and listening to Christmas music at the dinner table. It was amazing. This made for a much different experience than the first cruise I went on back in May. We drove down to Cape Canaveral where we sailed out on Friday and docked in Nassau on Saturday. We spent most of the day venturing around the island and headed out to the beach -which was as breathtaking as the first time I saw it. The tide was too strong to get in the water, but I couldn't have asked for a prettier view (except for the guy in the speedo -yikes). We were scheduled to go to Cococay Island on Sunday, but a bad wind storm prevented us from being able to dock there. Therefore, we sailed all day on Sunday. It was actually very nice because we just wanted to relax and enjoy some time with no worries, stress, cell phones, internet, or even clocks. I don't think we checked the time that entire day. I swear that made me feel like we were on the ship for 7 days instead of 3. Nice. All in all -WONDERFUL vacation!

So I return to Cape Canaveral early Monday morning -just in time to drive to Jacksonville, unload and reload my car, pick up my dog (I had a friend nice enough to volunteer to dogsit for the weekend), and begin my 11 and a half drive drive HOME, yay! I was there by midnight, so the drive wasn't too bad. The holidays started out busy and remained that way. I had surgery to finally have a cyst removed from my shoulder (long overdue). It only needed 4 stitches, but it hurt a whole lot more than I anticipated once the numbness wore off. I stayed on Lortabs for 3 days cuz I couldn't even sit still without pain much less lie in bed and sleep at night. I got to spend Christmas eve and Christmas day at home with my family, well except for my daddy. He had to work 11 straight 16-hour shifts at AEP to help restore power to damaged areas. I have never ever heard him use the word stressed when referring to himself until that first week (of two), so I knew he was worn out. We took Dad's gifts to his office and ate dinner there with him there on Christmas Day. Even though I didn't get to see much of him around the holidays, I did get to spend a couple of evenings with him while I was still home. I didn't complain because people need electricity, and a hug is good enough for me. My niece, Kyra, also came into town from NC. I only got to see her for a couple of hours, but any time is good time. She is growing too fast. My aunt, Jeanetta, spoiled me for two weeks: homemade potato soup, cornbread, pinwheels, ham & the veggie works, cabbage rolls, chocolate chip cookie bites, red velvet pound cake, butterscotch brownies, and boiled custard! Gosh, I must've gained about 15 pounds during the break!!! I love that woman! I got some new clothes, boots, gift cards, and a box set of Viva La Juicy Coutor perfume (my favorite)...and money from my dad (he didn't have time to shop -not that he would anyway, haha). To be honest, though, I didn't even care if I got absolutely nothing for Christmas. I have everything I need and more already. All I wanted was to be home, with my loved ones, enjoying time spent together. As cliche as that sounds -it is the truth. I am beyond blessed.

Speaking of spoiled -Arnie definitely got a lot of attention at home. He was constantly in to something, tormenting someone (whether the cat, dog, ferrett, or a family member). He got fed a lot of people food, so now he won't eat his dog food. Awesome. I will admit: he is a cutie, which makes him hard to resist, I know.

My cousin Michaela came in from Colorado and surprised us all. None of us knew she was coming, so that was a nice treat to the family -especially my aunt (her grandmother). We took her iceskating which was, of course, a blast. I spent just about every minute with my sister. It was difficult for us to leave each other's side. I did leave her long enough to go to Huntington to see my loves. I'm reminded of how blessed I am every time I get to see my wonderful friends. I truly have the best friends in the world. All of them. I could write a post on my friends alone and what each of them means to me. Maybe I should do that one day. It would be interesting, even to myself. Seriously, though, my friends are amazing. I even love saying that word. Friends. <3 Oh, how I really do miss them. The reunion at Rio was fun, even though we were missing a couple of girls. I got to see Lynsey & Mike whom I haven't seen since graduation. I stayed with Lacie & Holly that night & then went to the doctor in Huntington the next morning. Everything is A-OK! I am healthy and doing better than ever. I got my stitches out in Logan that same day. Now if only I can find a good dentist down here and get my teeth cleaned I will be all set!

Back to the topic of friends: I got to spend some time with my buddies from Logan as well. It was nice to have "guy time" and watch football/basketball and drink beer. Almost all of my friends in Logan are guys, but they are like brothers to me. They make me laugh til my belly hurts every time I'm around them. It's refreshing. Jenn and I spent New Years Eve with the guys as well. Cobb & Bryan (brothers) had a party at their house, which was crazy fun, and we didn't go home until 8am. I haven't stayed up that late in forever -but it was so worth it. I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be on NYE than with close friends.

I am now back in Jacksonville, enjoying the above-20-degree weather and back to my routine. It's kinda chilly here, but I can't complain. The sun still shines. Life is good.

The Ugly Duckling

Work this week has been more than frustrating. I am pushed in the back of everyone at the middle school. I feel like the poor little ugly duckling in the back of the line. The teachers get mad when I ask them to fill out a simple (I mean super simple) checklist about a child’s progress and abilities in the classroom. The forms are not specific, require yes/no responses, and, if they are generous enough, writing a short comment about the student’s performance in the classroom. It’s nothing they really have to think about or take more than two minutes of their time to do. I get teachers telling me, “You are really working me over” and huffing and puffing when I hand them a consultation or teacher input form. I realize the teachers are busy, but I have to get my work (documentation) completed too. It’s entirely frustrating. Nobody wants to accommodate me for any reason at all. I get bottom priority for using the internet in my own classroom. I have to share a classroom with an ESE teacher, and we only have one internet port where we can use the online IEP program; therefore, we have to “take turns” working on reports. She is there 5 days a week, and I know she is not seeing kids in the classrooms like she is supposed to be because she spends all of her time at her desk –on the phone. Why can’t she get her work done while I’m not here? I am there two days a week, and when I’m there I can’t even work on my reports because she demands to use Encore herself. She will unplug my cable and plug herself into the port if I leave my computer for a second (e.g. to get something from the printer 2 buildings away) which has, on numerous occasions, caused me to lose data that I’d spent time working on prior. She is a bully! She talks on the phone during my sessions (loudly and disrespectfully) or makes as much noise as possible as best she knows how. She even gets upset when I have a therapy session (note: this is a speech therapy classroom too) when she has a phone conference scheduled. I am not going to tell my kids to go back to class so she can have her meetings every day. There are conference rooms for that. We share a phone too, which can never stay on my desk unless I am using it at that exact moment. Oh, and she uses all of my hand sanitizer when I’m not there (that I purchased with my own money). Okay, now I am nitpicking, I know. Ugh –bully! Some people are so selfish. People here do not work as a team. Did I mention that I am frustrated?

Lets see what else I can bitch about here…..

I also have an ethical concern regarding the services for which the schools here in Duval County are billing Medicaid. There is a new thing on the IEP where we ask parents to authorize that the schools share information about their child’s services to the agency that allows our school to bill Medicaid for services. In many schools, SLPs do the billing sheets themselves to provide documentation for each session being billed for (a.k.a. PROOF that that kid received therapy that day). I don’t do billing. I keep daily logs and attendance records for each kid I see, but nobody in the county sees those records but me. How do they know if a particular child received 60 minutes of therapy each week? There have been MANY instances when I was not able to pull my kids because of MRT & RtI meetings, school-wide testing, changes in resource schedules, absences and many other reasons. I am going to have to ask someone higher up about this issue because the people I have asked seem to be of no help. All the district wants is more money, more money, and more money. They don’t want to discharge students because they want money for the services. TERRIBLE!!!!! UNETHICAL!!!!!! I think that because they are such a huge county, they think they can get away with anything. I don’t agree with this. I am discharging students left and right (for instance, a kid who speaks Spanish and rolls his /r/ and /l/ sounds –duh, dialectical! Or little African American kids who say “skreet” for street –also dialectical). I can’t justify keeping them in therapy just for money. Nope not gonna happen with me.

Also, the discipline system in the elementary school is lacking tremendously. They discourage writing referrals (it’s pretty much a NO-NO) at Brentwood. I’m assuming this is because it makes the school look bad to have so many referrals when they are a turn-around school already being monitored closely. Hello! –wouldn’t misbehaving, distracting, violent, disobedient kids who are consequently failing in the classrooms because they have no discipline and don’t know how to sit still or listen to a teacher, let alone keep from distracting other students, make the school look bad? We had a first grader verbally threaten to shoot and kill another child and his family while pointing his finger and “pulling the trigger” in the boy’s face. Consequences: yep, you guessed it, none. The teacher expressed concerns and reported it but was told not to write a referral for the child. We also have kids making sexual advances toward other students (yes, in elementary school), and even though parents come in and complain, practically nothing is being done about it. It is a dangerous area of town, filled with violence, and these kids are continuing the cycle. Sad. Very sad.

I am so ready for a break after this week. Bring on Christmas!!!!

Home Is Where the Heart Is

I felt I was spinning my wheels
Before too long the road was calling
I packed everything I own
So sure that I was leaving this small town life behind for good
And not a single tear was falling
It took leaving for me to understand
Sometimes your dreams just aren't what life has planned....

As you can probably gather, I am more homesick than EVER right now. I am sure that, for the most part, my emotions are a whirlwind as a result of the holidays and previous time spent with the people I love. I did enjoy my Thanksgiving break and everything that accompanied it: great food, great people, and great times. The only problem: It didn't last long enough. My time at home reminded me of what I left behind to begin this journey of "figuring out myself" and start my career. Every trip home seems to further widen the gap between where my heart and where my head are. Alas, I am beginning to think that I might not be happy with any decision I make if I am making it alone. The new found independence I have recently acquired cannot be defined by the fact that I can do things by myself, handle situations by myself, and make decisions by myself. I have been able to achieve all of the above before even moving down here. I don't need to live far away to be independent. Gosh, I had it all wrong. Although the move helped me to realize all of these things. I have much more time for thinking these days. I have much more appreciation for my lifetime of experiences -something that cannot be replaced with beaches, shopping malls, theaters, or bars. I cannot enjoy these things without the people I care about. Quite frankly, I don't want to anymore.

I do want to travel. I have a ginormous list of places I want to visit and things I want to see. I plan to do that regardless of where I choose to live. I thought that moving away from home would give me that "travel" feel, but I was wrong. I found a routine, in my cozy apartment, and I stick to it. I love that aspect of my life, actually. I love coming home in the evening to my dog and vegging out on the couch, reading a book or watching tv. This is just something I don't need to live in Florida or California to do.

Where do I go next? Well, I have a few options (actually tons, but I've narrowed it down)... and now I am trying to sort, analyze, justify, and pinpoint what I want and don't want to do. I've begun to make a list: pros and cons. However, the list is a #3ijboahue&*bhjerio"x of information all tangled up in a web that I'm still running circles around. I know, I know -I still have time to decide. But....time flies. My company will be looking for me to choose a location (if I stay with them) in only a few months. The other 2 companies I have talked to will also be contacting me again after the first of the year. Then, my uncle offered me a pretty sweet deal that I might be silly to pass up. I don't know.

Options: I have mentioned moving to Lake Norman (Charlotte, NC) area or Knoxville (ish) TN which I could easily get a contracted position through EBS, Sunbelt, or PediaStaff. Pro: the benefits with these companies are great, as you guys already know. There are many pros to taking a job with one of these companies. The biggest Con, however, is that they will place me in a school. Period. They tell you that there is a possibility that there may be a position with Early Intervention or other pediatric opportunities, but ultimately that is only a dream. Schools hire these companies because there are SO MANY of them, and large school districts (like the one I am currently working in, or like the areas I am considering moving to) never have enough SLPs wanting to be directly hired into the school system. They need these staffing companies to offer higher pay so that they can provide enough therapists for every school in the county. Therefore, they will never place us (as in the ones lower on the totem pole with fewer years of experience) anywhere except in the schools. Don't get me wrong, I love my job in the schools... but like I have stated in previous posts, I am not challenged enough. This is not my passion. Early Intervention is where I want to stick my foot. Con: Since I am contracted, I am on hourly pay and therefore do not get paid for the hours I don't work. This means I have no job or income in the summer (not to mention holidays, eek). Pro: My uncle is now the director of special ed in Logan County and has already promised to hire me for Birth to Three starting in June! YAY! Thank God, since my car payment doesn't stop with my paychecks once the school year ends. This will allow me to actually start doing what I want to do!!!!!!!!! I know we all have to start somewhere, and we don't always get the job we want right off the bat. I am just blessed that this opportunity is arising so soon.

Okay. Now this leads us to my third option: Home. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am actually considering moving back home. Don't worry -I'm not going to make another rash (impulsive) decision while my emotions are flaring, but I am putting the option in my bag and shaking it up a bit. I literally have spent most of my life trying to run away from the place that holds my heart and am just now realizing it. I think I was running away from things that I felt had been holding me back when, in reality, nothing has held me back. If that were the case, I wouldn't be where I am today. The only thing holding me back is fear and uncertainty. There I go with that cycle again (refer to my very first post). Perhaps I felt that home wasn't good enough for me. Perhaps my head grew to be too big for the little town that taught me most of what I know and love... and for the people in that town. In trying to find me, I believe I have lost sight of who I always knew I was. Hmmmm. Nothing like a wake up call, huh?

Now with this option, I have written down a few pros and cons. Con (in the form of questions): Will I be giving up on what I set out to do? Will I be settling too soon? I don't know. Pro: Full access to my friends and family is the biggest pro. The opportunity of working in Birth to Three not only for the summer but permanently -on the side while working in the schools. There's a happy medium, right? Also, my uncle offered me the same deal he did for my sister -he will freeze my student loans, and if I work in the state of WV for 4-5 years they will be completely forgiven (zip, wiped away, gone). Although I don't complain about my student loans, considering I brought them upon myself and spent it all, not on tuition, but on spoiling myself and enjoying 7 years of college, it would be nice to never have to pay that LARGE sum of money back!!! Pretty sweet. I don't know what to do at this point other than to keep adding to my list and asking for advice. Ultimately, it is my decision. I still need advice. Opinions and/or tips anyone?

I can't wait for Christmas when I can be home with my family again. It is coming up very soon, and I am going to make the most of it. Right after I cruise to the Bahamas!!! That's right. My supervisor, Stacie, and I booked a 3 night cruise that will take us to Cococay Island and Nassau Dec. 18th-21st. I plan to come home either that night or the next day. Depends on how tired I am after the cruise. We are both very excited. We just couldn't pass up the rates and the fact that we have convenient access to a few ports down here in the sunshine state. I'll be sure to take plenty of pics, of course. Thanks for taking the time to follow along with my vent-fest. I love and miss you ALL. For now, I'm off to dream. <3

.....Mama said home is where the heart is
When I left that town

Life is a Cookie....

..... I'm taking one bite at a time.

Props to warm chocolate chip cookies in the oven, freshly brewed coffee, and a stack of movies waiting to occupy the remainder of my Friday night! I got a coupon in the mail for $1.99 rentals all month at Blockbuster. I know, I know....I can rent movies for $1.00 at Walmart or Publix, BUT I only get to keep them for a day if I do that. I like renting them in bulk because 1.) I am indecisive and can't pick just one at a time, 2.) sometimes I find shows on that I would prefer not to miss in the evenings, and 3.) I hate late fees and have plenty of time to remember to return them on time. I love how I just had to justify spending a buck. Kinda ridiculous, I know.

Props to Arnie for his progress in potty training. I took a friend's advice and bought a bell. He was doing well without it, but that's because I was literally taking him outside every 30 minutes to avoid accidents. I wanted a way for him to let me know when he needs to go out, so I bought some holiday bells and hung them by the door. He was scared and confused at first by them, but I consistently ring them before taking him out. I've slowly started to "nudge" the bells with his tail, nose, or paws before going out to show him that he can ring the bell too! haha....this sounds completely cheesy. BUT -it is, thus far, a success!!! Now, every time I ring the bell, Arnie comes darting across the apartment -straight to the door. He sits there & waits for me to put his leash on him and take him out. What a cutie! This evening, he walked straight up to the bell. Then, low & behold, "ring-a-ling-a-ling!" He might have rang the bell by accident, I'm not sure, but I'm gonna think otherwise and say that he totally did it on purpose! :)

Don't worry....I didn't forget about the cookies in the oven!!!!

I'm looking forward to spending Thanksgiving with family. Initially, I wasn't going to go home because after the weddings and 3 trips in the past couple of months, I couldn't afford another flight. The more I thought about spending the holiday here, the more upset I got. So, of course, I am going home! My dad booked a flight down here on Friday the 20th, so he will spend the weekend here with me in Florida. He is gonna ride to WV with me on Monday evening after work. I am taking Tuesday off. I won't have to drive back until Sunday, yay! My dad, sister, hopefully brother, and I are going to Columbus to spend Turkey Day with some cousins on my mom's side of the family. I'm very excited about that. I plan to spend Friday and Saturday with friends in Huntington. I need them.

Work has been a lot more hectic than usual lately. I knew that the schools required a lot of paperwork, but GEEZ -I feel like I am spending more time on IEPs & the 10,000 forms that have to be filled out & sent out (10x each). Okay, I am exaggerating slightly, LOL. No, but really. The IEPs are all computer based... mostly clicking the mouse & checking boxes. Very little writing. The eval forms are literally one page (a chart) that don't leave much space for interpretation. So, why should it seem that I am spending more time on paperwork than treatment? Well, because I am! Hello real world. The paperwork is not hard. I will say that. And, to be honest, I really don't mind doing it. Some days I enjoy it. But now I am feeling like I don't have time to pull all of my kids because I have to meet deadlines. That is the biggest thing in the schools -deadlines. Yikes. EVERYTHING has a due date. With red tape. Keep in mind that I am only at my middle school twice a week, so some days I have to schedule IEP meetings or work on reports instead of pulling kids. I only have access to the IEP program at work -I can't complete reports at home or anywhere else other than at work. Now I understand why kids are in middle school or high school and still in speech. On a better note -I just ordered $350 worth of Super Duper therapy materials today!!! Oh, yay! I am so excited to have stuff that isn't printed & laminated by me, haha. My company will give me reimbursement for the materials, but I securely had to wait until I had the extra money to order and pay for them myself first. I hope it will be delivered sometime next week.

I haven't been doing much lately in terms of fun activities. Instead, I've really been enjoying quiet time at home with my pooch. I did go to the fair with Erin & her little girl which was fun. My favorite part was the animals. Oh, and the extremely unhealthy fair food & cotton candy!

I also went to Orlando a couple of weeks ago with my supervisor Stacie. We drove down on Saturday and got a hotel. We sun bathed by the pool during the day and then went to City Walk at Universal that evening and met up with some of my MU buddies. We went to an awesome karaoke bar there that had live backup singers/dancers & a band to sing with. VERY COOL in my book! It was a blast. We went to Bob Marly's and to a piano bar too & just shopped around. It was Halloween, so there was a lot going on that night. Fun! We both decided to drive back on Sunday though because I wasn't feeling well (had a head cold), and the MU/UCF game didn't start til 8 p.m. when we both had to work in the a.m. It was a wise decision, however, because the game didn't end so well. I hope tomorrow's game turns out the opposite. Fingers crossed. Go Herd!

Square One

Well kids, it kinda looks like I am back to square one -although not completely. I learned a lot about myself this past weekend. I am starting to look at my life a little differently now, and I'm starting to weigh the things that are and are not important to me. I will start with the things I learned about myself (that I kinda knew before but never fully considered the extent to which it affected my life & the choices I've made):

1.) I am IMPULSIVE. How could I not see the extent to this before? I bought Colby Jack on impulse -yes I knew that -and didn't have time to take care of him. I accepted the first job offer I got (not counting the job offer in California because it was offered the summer before completing graduate school) without even looking at other options. I agreed to move to Jacksonville immediately when my best friend told me she wanted me to. I impulsively bought a new car the day I went to test drive it -then come to find out I could have gotten the same car for a better deal in Logan. I impulsively bought Arnie at a pet store (when I really shouldn't have spent that kind of money right away) although I just went to "look" at puppies. This is one impulsive decision I, however, DO NOT regret at all. I impulsively tell people I will do things before even thinking about it and either end up having to do it to keep my obligation or break an obligation which I never feel good about. I act on impulse quite too often and rarely make a pros & cons list to weigh the odds. What the heck? I need to change that STAT.

2.) I am PASSIVE. This is something I have known for a long time. It has come back to bite me in the butt on numerous occasions; however, I am really starting to think about and realize the extent of how that trait has affected me. I think that my passivity gives me a weapon to act on impulse. There are things in life that I stress over and the rest is unnecessary in my mind, so I don't care. I mean, you all know that I freak out (on impulse) if something happens unexpectedly, and I live off of other people's drama. But the little things that I should care about have never gotten to me. I don't fully think through situations because I am naive and passive and don't care most of the time -always believing that things will work out for the best (after the minor freak outs, of course). Well, my friends, sometimes things don't always work out on their own. We gotta make it happen -actively! I believe that my passive trait contributes to the fact that I am still single as well -I am always giving and giving and giving, doing and doing and doing, and then sitting around -waiting and guessing and feeling like I never know what's going on. Story of my life. I could go on and on about how my passivity has kicked me in the butt, but I won't.

3.) I gain FAITH and go to church every day -in my own life experiences. I have grown more in my faith over the past few months than I did sitting in church for many many years. This may sound bad to some, but to me -it's spiritually uplifting. I grew up going to church every week, never missing a Sunday unless it was an emergency. I found a church here that I like, but it's not "home" to me. I find myself sitting there, daydreaming, and crying internally because I feel like I am one of those people I always judged because they were "Sunday Christians" who came to church every week but never showed an ounce of faith or Christianity in their lives. When I am sitting in that church, I feel like I am sitting there because it is expected. Expected of whom? I don't know. Expected of myself -I believe. I have lately come to find faith in the ocean, in the trees, in the sun, in the wind, in the people walking by me on the sidewalk who stop to say hello, or the man in the Publix parking lot who almost fell down before I helped him put his shoe back on. As cliche as this sounds, I am learning more about faith and prayer through experience and my surroundings than I do while sitting in church on Sunday mornings. This scares me a bit because it is not what I know.

The things that are NOT important to me:
1.) The beach is NOT important to me.
2.) A huge place to live with lots of activities and things to do are NOT important to me.
3.) Meeting new people and making new friends -this is great, and something I'm completely grateful for -but NOT important to me.
4.) Having a job that pays a whole lot of money is NOT important to me.

The things that ARE important to me:
1.) My family is important to me. I cannot stand to be so far away from them.
2.) My friends, not just any friends, but the people who share my life -memories, inside jokes, experiences that nobody new in the world will ever be able to understand or relate to or laugh/cry about with me. I have been fortunate to have found the most amazing people that I can call friends, and I didn't realize how difficult it would be to replace those relationships. It is not only difficult; it's impossible. Who am I kidding to think that I can find friends some place that will make me feel any more like "ME" than the friends back home? God, I miss them. I don't want to live this far away from them and miss more weddings, anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, etc. It is difficult having to miss things that are important to me.
3.) My career is important to me. I love the job that I have, but it is easy. I have rarely been known to settle for easy. I don't feel challenged with my job at all. It is hard for me to say that because the job I have now has been super easy for me to adjust, and I feel comfortable doing it -but it doesn't challenge me. I don't feel good about what I did at the end of the day. To be honest, I rarely even have to think at work because artic therapy comes naturally to me. The only challenge that comes with my current job is to deal with my emotions in tough (environmental) situations. I can say that I never wake up dreading work, and I never go home in a bad mood. But when I go to sleep at night, I don't get that feeling of accomplishment. Again, this is only my CFY so I have plenty of time to go from here. I am just realizing early on that I need to be challenged -which is why I have already started looking for other jobs for next year (not to mention I need something for the summer because my impulsivity caused me to accept a job that didn't pay during the summer nor give me an option of extended pay.

On this continuous journey of finding myself, I am discovering that maybe I want to be closer to home. I don't want to move back home, but I want to be close enough to see people as often as I want without having to consider whether or not I can afford it or have to take a day off (without pay) to make a trip. This is why I am looking into the Charlotte, NC area. I need to find a happy medium. I am not unhappy. I am still enjoying Jacksonville, and I do not regret my decision to move down here. I am actually still LOVING Jacksonville, and the newness hasn't completely worn off yet. I guess I can say that my decision to move to Florida helped keep me from moving all the way across the country, lol. I just know that I have never appreciated West Virginia more than now. I have spent my whole life waiting to get out of the state -when in all honesty part of me longs to be there again. I am not going to move back to WV right now because I need to do what I set out to do, but I need to be close enough to go HOME. What will happen in the future is still "unknown" -but again, that leaves room for possibilities. Until then, I'm gonna continue finding Me.

With Love Comes Challenge

So I decided to name my new puppy after my mommy. Of course, I would never name a dog something as terrible as "Arnetta" LOL, but I thought "Arnie" was totally cute enough and fitting for the little pooch. I really think it suits him well. I love coming home from work to something that loves me unconditionally and is so excited to see me after leaving him locked up for hours. I am never lonely with him around. Actually, he's good for me. I get up earlier to take him for a walk every morning instead of sleeping late and having to rush to get to work on time. I don't have to put a leash on him because he follows me everywhere -just like ToTo! I do, however, put the leash on him to go walking outside of the complex just in case. He is cuddly and is the perfect lap dog. And the best part, did I mention?!?, he doesn't shed! I know I keep rambling on about him, but gosh I love my little Arnie. It killed me to have to give Colby Jack away when I moved, so it's nice to have that responsibility and company present again. This one is MUCH easier to potty train than CJ. I refuse to start out with puppy-pads because it just makes the process more difficult in the end. Arnie is doing fantastic with the outside-only rule. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I have more time to train this one. Being in grad school and working at the same time didn't help with training a dog. I bought Colby Jack on impulse and truthfully didn't have time for him. This time, I am settled and can take on the responsibility without feeling guilty about it. With love comes challenge. Bring it on, I'm ready!

We took a trip to the beach today. It was the first day where it's been below 70 degrees, so I was able to wear a sweatshirt (with shorts, haha) and tennis shoes to go for a little jog in the sand. Arnie will run right alongside me and enjoys it as much as, if not more than, I do. He's tiny, so I have to slow down my pace -I don't mind. Have I mentioned that I HATE going to the beach by myself? I go there to run, which is beautiful and refreshing. However, to be honest, it sucks to go alone. The first couple of times, I was able to appreciate the beauty and the peace of living by the ocean. But you can't get that feeling every single time you go to the beach. It gets old. Don't get me wrong -I still love it. Just not by myself. Now I can go and not be alone. I have my little man to go with me. Every "single" person needs a dog. I love mine. We will be perfect for each other. Okay, enough about my dog for now….

Yesterday was a load of fun. I went to TimeOut bar & grill to watch the Marshall vs. WVU game with the alumni groups of Jax. We usually go to a different place to watch the games, but the WVU Alumni group invited us to come to "their" place to watch the game with them. Little did they know that we would outnumber them and out-yell them. This was the best turnout we've had for a game yet -the place was packed with hillbillies (that's what I'm calling us West Virginians). Even though MU lost, we definitely enjoyed ourselves. I love the school (and state) pride that we all have here. I am proud of where I'm from, and it's enlightening to share that with great people. Even though I don’t like WVU, when I see someone with a WV hat on, it makes me smile. I'm hoping to make it down to Orlando for the Marshall vs. Central Florida game. It's Sunday night at 8pm, so that might be a problem. We shall cross our fingers & see. I actually had friends come over to my apartment to hang out this week. I've only had friends over a couple of times, so it was nice to entertain visitors. Stacie came over one evening for dessert, wine, & movies. Josh & Laura came over after the game. I was excited to order pizza -something I never do when it's just me. Friends are good.

I’m driving home in 4 days for Michaelyn’s wedding. I got my dress & shoes, and I’ve been practicing the song. I totally remember now why I am a SECOND soprano instead of a first. I am singing “The Prayer” by Celine Dion (without the foreign portion, lol), which is rather high in pitch. It’s a beautiful song, and most of it is comfortable for me, yet there are a few high notes that I pray don’t turn out sounding like squawking instead of singing. ☺ I can’t wait to go home –hopefully to Logan for a night this time! I need some hugs from family to give me fuel for another couple of months.

A Woman's Best Friend

This has been an extremely busy week, and we're about to start another. I haven't been so happy for a weekend since graduate school (I make it sound like it was forever ago, I know). This past week was definitely the busiest one I've had. I caught a good glimpse of the stress of working & the real world, that's for sure. The schools have both been more of a stressful environment (not with the kids but the people I work with) than usual...I think because testing & report cards coming up soon. The testing is a lot different here than the schools back home and, especially with the turn around school I'm working in, the teachers/principals/counselors are working extra hard to try to prepare the students in order to meet criteria to keep the school open. I've had a lot more paperwork on top of still finding & adding kids to my caseload in both schools. I guess there are pros and cons to contract work (the pros being that I pretty much come & go as I please, get paid way more, and don't have to do all that extra stuff teachers have to do such as lunch/bus duty or staff meetings....the cons being that I have to do double duty to treat kids at 2 different schools & do twice as many IEPs, meetings, & such).

A funny story at the middle school: I was working with a language group on vocabulary & words with multiple meanings. I asked the kids to use the word "spoon" in two different ways (as a noun and as a verb). I was thinking (while looking at pictures representing the two) about "spoon" as something you eat with and "spoon" as in scooping out some soup or ice cream. Until.......one kid says, "You know, like you spoon somebody." And then the conversation got started. I had to try to explain to the kids that "spooning" is like cuddling. Then one kid says, "I just don't get it. You can't cuddle a spoon." Muahhhahha! There is never a dull moment. That's for sure!

I had a great weekend. I got plenty of rest, watched plenty of football at Seth's house yesterday, and ate plenty of food. I did get some running in toward the end of the week, but it's been extremely humid these past couple of days. It was in the high 80s yesterday and in the 90s today....HOT! I started a new book this morning, but I didn't read far into it. I got to thinking that I am settled into my apartment, content with my life, and have friends here.....and therefore, it would totally be appropriate timing for me to get a new dog! So, as you all can guess, of course I bought a puppy today! I totally went just to look because I know the pet stores are way too expensive. However, I fell in love. I picked up a yorkie-chihuahua, and I refused to put him back in that cage. I just couldn't bring myself to leave the store without him. I prefer a girl, but I love this little guy. He's tiny, has chihuahua ears, but doesn't shed! He is the perfect dog! YAY. My friend, Erin, lives by me & walks by my apartment every day (her walking route with her daughter)....and she said she'll drop in and let him out during the day when I'm at work. I only work til 2:30 or 3:00 in the afternoon, so it's not too long for him to be in a cage anyway (until he is potty trained). I have a companion now. Just what I needed. <3

Roots: All things must come to the soul from where it was planted.

I really need to do a better job at keeping up with my blog. I've slacked off here lately. It has been a crazy, busy couple of weeks. I finally got to go back home to WV, although I wish I could've spent more time there. The trips were entirely too quick -but well worth it. The first weekend trip was to Cincinnati for Lacie's bachelorette party. Needless to say we all had a fun time. It was refreshing to see my best friends (especially my sister) and to get out of my normal routine that I've grown accustom to these days. Following the party, I flew back to Florida for another work week only to turn right back around and leave again. This time for the WEDDING! As you could all guess, Lacie was the most beautiful bride. The wedding plans were forced to change due to the monsoon we experienced that day, but everything turned out nicely in the end (even after the flat tire we experienced along the way, haha). Lacie Deeds is now Lacie Casto. I still cannot believe she is finally married. They make a fabulous couple, and I'm blessed to have the both of them in my life. It was another weekend of familiar faces, voices, & laughs in addition to the inside jokes I miss so much (which I continue to crack even when nobody knows what the hell I am talking about -I still laugh). Gosh, I miss my friends. More & more every day. It was great to reunite two weekends in a row, but it made me not want to leave home again. I had to keep reminding myself that I love my life here too. I know everybody says this same thing, but I truly believe it when I say that I have the best friends in the entire world. I couldn't ask for greater love & support -which is a huge part of why I am able to chase my dreams and live the life I am living. I owe much thanks to "home" and everything/one associated with it. I love my roots.

The next trip is for Michaelyn's wedding toward the end of this month. I plan to drive instead of fly (yikes) because flights are no cheaper than $400, and my friend Erin told me she'll ride in with me, help drive, and give me money for gas. Her friend's birthday is that weekend. I am taking that Monday off, so that will give us an extra day since I am driving. It will be nice because I can spend one night in Huntington and one night in Logan, hopefully. We shall see. Also in the travel category -my supervisor, Stacie, and I plan to take a weekend cruise here soon. I think we're gonna go down to Orlando for Halloween because Universal Studios has tons of entertainment & festivities. After that, I am going to Disney World on November 7th. I hate that I am going to miss Kristen's wedding that weekend though. Boo!

Work continues to treat me well. I never wake up dreading my job, and I never leave work in a bad mood. I couldn't ask for more than that. I continue to learn every day. I do leave with a heavy heart some days: I've seen and heard some sad cases with my students, and I've had to do things I never even thought about before. For instance, calling social services on families and even referring one to a homeless shelter. I also had to have the famous "Don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't do something" talk with a 13 year old who said he wants to be a doctor when he grows up, yet he can never be a doctor because he's in special ed. That was an eye-opener for me. I'm used to working with kids young enough to not even realize they have communication problems. In middle school, it's a different story. I have several fluency kids with a lot of emotional baggage, and I find myself wanting to be the friend instead of the therapist. I do the therapy, but my heart is tugged at a little during those sessions. One thing I am picking up with this job is the ability to not be such a softy. Don't get me wrong -I am a TOTAL softy. I'm just finding it a little easier to "recover" after some things are seen and done (with the exception of the couple of cases mentioned above. Those are way sad!).

Since we're on the topic of JOBS -how about YAY for my sister! She starts a new teaching job in Logan County soon. She is waiting to hear what subject because I think there are a few positions that came open. My uncle told her that it will probably be in a week or two. They just fired some teachers there, and they were discussing Jenn at the board meeting last week. I'm twiddling my thumbs, waiting to see, and I know she is very excited. I am extremely proud of her. I know my mom would be proud of her too. Awww, happy moment. <3